Penny Pavlova Plays Russian Roulette

Chapter 18

Thursday 21st November 


10:11am – Lying in the Castle of the Unknown

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just woke up in an unfamiliar bed with a hickey on my collarbone.’ 
Charlie: ‘What happened last night?’ 
Penny: ‘I can only assume the vampires in my bedroom have finally abducted me’ 
Charlie: ‘This seems completely plausible’ 
Penny: ‘And they have a really large suite at The Langham…’ 

10:17am – Lying in the Castle of the Unknown, The Langham Hotel 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Can confirm I was not abducted by vampires’ 
Charlie: ‘Excellent, so who were you abducted by? 
Penny: ‘Still unconfirmed as yet, but no boys looking remotely like Robert Pattinson with glittery skin have walked past, so I’m feeling a little like that is probably unlikely’ 


10:31am – Still lying in the Castle of the Unknown, The Langham Hotel

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Have just spotted most of my clothing on a chair across the room…’ 
Charlie: ‘Any of it still left on you?’ 
Penny: ‘Some undergarments and it seems I have acquired a white shirt as well…’ 
Charlie: ‘So, I suppose that SWOT analysis of the men in your life is even more pertinent now’ 
Penny: ‘Well not necessarily…’ 
Charlie: ‘What do you mean! Last weekend you’re at a resort with Kennedy, this morning you wake up at The Langham, in a bed with Fletch!’ 
Penny: ‘Well let’s be reasonable here, I’ve heard from Kennedy twice since the mini-break, once to suggest dinner, once to cancel dinner without a follow up…’
Charlie: ‘That still doesn’t change the fact you woke up next to Fletch!’ 
Penny: ‘Well, not technically. I woke up next to a giant pillow wall he (or remotely possible vampire kidnapper) had built down the middle of the bed. I was quite literally a princess in a castle’ 
Charlie: ‘A pillow wall? And he was on the other side of it?’ 
Penny: ‘No, he wasn’t’ 
Charlie: ‘Then what was on the other side of it!?’
Penny: ‘A roll of duct tape’ 


4:12pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘So… did you figure out what happened last night?’ 
Penny: ‘Am planning to commence the glass shoe fitting sessions soon to find out’ 
Charlie: ‘Hilarious. But what actually happened after you found the duct tape?’ 
Penny: ‘I got up, had a shower (they have amazing showers by the way), breakfast turned up, I got dressed, went down to Reception and returned the access card I found on the desk, and they wished me a lovely day and I was on my way’ 
Charlie: ‘No note?’ 
Penny: ‘Nope’ 
Charlie: ‘No text message?’ 
Penny: ‘Nope’ 
Charlie: ‘No phone call?’ 
Penny: ‘Nope. Nothing. I could have been abducted by the Prince of Persia last night for all I know. Just a roll of duct tape and a white shirt that smells distinctly like a man I went to the opera with last night’ 
Charlie: ‘Whatever you do, don’t mention that possibility near Dorian, he has enough Disneyfied ideas as it is’ 


8:34pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Sitting on the couch watching television when an advertisement for Sexpo comes on…

Mother Dearest: ‘Oo maybe I should go to that to help with my new career as a sex therapist’ 
Flossie: ‘I’m not sure it’s really your scene Mum’ 
Penny: ‘Yeh, I’m not quite sure they cover a lot of Elephant Porn at that…’ 


Friday 22nd November 

6:37am – In the decontamination area 

Penny: ‘Shame you didn’t make it to the pool this morning Schitz’
JB Schitz: ‘Don’t tell me I missed another episode of the floating mothballs?’
Penny: ‘Well actually you did, but more excitingly you missed Mr Vanilla’
JB Schitz: ‘Did you stare longingly across the chlorinated lanes at each other?’
Penny: ‘Not quite, now that we’re football buddies, he comes over and says hello’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Well that’s nice…’ 
Penny: ‘In theory yes, in practice… well…’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Explain...’
Penny: ‘Well I rolled up half asleep and trundled over to the usual spot, and just as I was pulling my jumper over my head I hear this “Hey Penny, how you going?” at which point I got the jumper stuck on my head and was trying furiously to pull it off whilst keeping my arms down because I couldn’t remember if I’d shaved my armpits’
JB Schitz: ‘Tell me you didn’t fall in’ 
Penny: ‘Oh no, I didn’t fall in, I danced around like I was in Footloose for a good ten seconds waving my elbows up and down a la the Chicken Dance before I heard a very calm “stand still” and felt a pair of strong arms pull the jumper gently over my head’ 
JB Schitz: ‘So he saved you from your own jumper? And how did you repay him’ 
Penny: ‘Oh well, I’m pretty sure the Einstienesque hair do and tomato face I was rocking after the attack of the pink hoodie would have made his morning…’
JB Schitz: ‘It’s not every day Einstein wears an Elle cut you know…’ 


1:14pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Aubree: ‘Just had a good chat with Santa and he asked what I wanted for Christmas and if I’d been a good girl.'

Penny: 'And what did you say?'

Aubree: 'I said yes I had been a good girl but that I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted for Christmas. He said most people my age ask for a Ferrari, Tiffany’s or a rich boyfriend. I told him I would like all of the above to which he smiled at me and said, ‘Now now, you’re not going to get the rich boyfriend by being good, are you?’

Penny: ‘Ah Santa. Delivering joy to children everywhere for centuries’


4:11pm – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘Heard from Fletch yet?’ 
Penny: ‘Nope’ 
Charlie: ‘Heard from Kennedy yet?’ 
Penny: ‘Nope’ 
Charlie: ‘Heard from any of the men in your life yet?’ 
Penny: ‘Not technically, but Mr Vanilla did save me from my own jumper this morning’ 
Charlie: ‘I don’t think I want to know…’ 


8:13pm - Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Walking through the lounge room where Father Bear, Flossie and Bob are watching an old Superman movie…

Flossie: ‘So Lois Lane has just discovered he is Superman?’ 
Father Bear *nods*: ‘Yep, and now they’ll go and have super sex’ 
Bob *eyes widening*
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘I think I’ll just keep walking’ 
Mother Dearest from the kitchen: ‘What’s happening?!’ 
Penny: ‘Dad’s just explaining that Superman is about to have super sex’ 
Mother Dearest *drops the ladle*: ‘Oh my…’ 


10:22pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Hey, just wanted to say thank you for a lovely night at the opera on Wednesday, Madama Butterfly was just as spectacular as I remembered. Even if it didn’t feature Teddy in leather shorts. Also, I think I may have your shirt…’ 


Saturday 23rd November 


8:34am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Sent Fletch a message yesterday… but I haven’t received a response. Not sure if I should panic, ignore it, send up an emergency flare or just be confused?’
Charlie: ‘Have you spoken to him since he did a Cinderella on Thursday morning?’
Penny: ‘Sadly not, and he didn’t even leave a glass slipper…’ 
Charlie: ‘Ah but he did leave a shirt’ 
Penny: ‘It would have been nice if he had left himself…. It’s been an interesting week. No word from Kennedy, and no reply from Fletch. What now?’ 
Charlie: ‘SWOT.’ 
Penny: ‘Sometimes you are such a business student it scares me’ 


11:11am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘Beardy and I are hitting up The Precinct for a boogie tonight ladies, care to join?’ 
Penny: ‘Only if you plan to hide behind palm trees when he comes near you, you know for old time’s sake’ 
Roxie: ‘Only if you promise to dance on the table top again Penny, you know for old time’s sake’ 
Penny: ‘Considering I’ve just been for a 5k run and am not currently sure if I still have feeling in my lower limbs, that may not be entirely plausible’ 
Snicks: ‘I’m in, because I know after three vodkas both of those things will happen’ 
Aubree: ‘Santa told me I need to be bad, so I’m in too’ 
Roxie: ‘Penny, do you want to bring Kennedy? Or Fletch? Or whomever is courting you this week?’ 
Penny: ‘I think you’ll find that space has a large luminous “VACANCY” sign over it’
Snicks: ‘Vodka will fix that!’ 
Penny: ‘That’s what I’m afraid of…’ 


9:49pm – Making Vodka Fashionable, The Precinct

Snicks: ‘So what happened to Kennedy?’ 
Penny *shrugs*: ‘Don’t know, he cancelled dinner last week and I haven’t heard from him since’ 
Roxie: ‘Okay so then what happened to Fletch?’ 
Penny: ‘Don’t know – he disappeared into the night on Wednesday leaving me in his shirt lying in a castle of pillows with a roll of duct tape in the Langham…’ 
Snicks *sighs*: ‘So romantic’ 
Penny *crinkles foreheard*: ‘So confusing! What do I do now?’ 
Aubree: ‘There’s only one thing to do really. Vodka’ 


Sunday 24th November 


11:03am – Lying in the Castle of the Unknown

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just woke up, have no idea where I am’
Charlie: ‘AGAIN!? Penny this has got to stop!’
Penny: ‘Fairly sure I’m in my room, it’s just spinning so much I can’t be 100% certain…’
Charlie: ‘What happened last night?’
Penny: ‘Wouldn’t I like to know…’
Charlie: ‘I’ll go and check YouTube…’


7:15pm – Lying on the Couch, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘How’d we pull up today girls?’ 
Snicks: ‘I’ve lost feeling in my little toes’ 
Aubree: ‘Pretty sure Santa would be proud of me…’ 
Roxie: ‘I woke up with part of a palm leaf in my bed…’ 
Penny: ‘I’m still lying down. I’ve moved from the bed to the couch and watched cricket all day. I’m afraid if I get up, I will fall down’ 
Snicks: ‘You were in very fine form last night Penny’ 
Penny: ‘Do I want to know? Or should I just check YouTube?’ 
Aubree: ‘*chuckles* Ahhh, I’m not sure if you made YouTube this week! Which is a shame, because you are a classic! I cannot wait for Noosa now!’
Roxie: ‘I know! Bring on the weekend!’ 
Penny: ‘What is next weekend?’ 
Snicks: ‘We’re going to Noosa’ 
Penny: ‘Since when?’ 
Roxie: ‘Since about 11:45pm last night when we booked the flights…’ 
Penny: ‘Who is we?’ 
Aubree: ‘The four of us… Perhaps you should check your credit card statement Penny…’ 
Penny: ‘We’re going to Noosa?! I can hardly take time off!’ 
Roxie: ‘You already did…’ 
Penny: ‘I what?!’ 
Snicks: ‘Perhaps you should check your emails to the President Penny…’ 
Penny: ‘Oh shit.’ 


7:23pm – Still Lying on the Couch, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘It would appear I bought four flights to Noosa last night… and told the President that I had decided at 11:39pm on a Saturday night that I needed next Friday off. I suppose I should be glad it’s just Noosa and not Las Vegas…’ 
Aubree: ‘More than you realise…’ 
Penny: ‘My life feels like an instalment of The Hangover. Minus the Asian dude and the facial tattoos and random African wildlife… At what point last night did this all occur?’ 
Roxie: ‘After about seven vodkas but before you started your Cossack dancing display with Myles that cleared the dancefloor’
Penny: ‘Myles was there? Wait. I was Cossack dancing?! In public?’ 
Aubree: ‘You have quite the repertoire as we found out’ 
Penny: ‘Oh god, and how did we end up going to Noosa?’ 
Snicks: ‘You decided that you were giving up on men and moving to Siberia for three years. Three vodkas later we’d managed to work you back to Noosa for three days instead’ 
Roxie: ‘Personally, I think Noosa is a win considering the distinctly Russian flavor the night took…’ 
Penny: ‘Well, at least that explains the several text messages I received from random numbers today calling me Tsarina Katarina Queen of the Dancefloor…’ 


Monday 25th November 


9:46am – In the land of creativity, baby oil and half naked footballers, On a Farm Somewhere

Myles: ‘Morning Anna Pavlova’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Morning Myles. I highly doubt anything I did on Saturday was worthy of the ballet classification. Why on earth were we Cossack dancing?!’ 
Myles: ‘You told me you were auditioning for Dancing With the Stars…’ 
Penny: ‘Oh Lord, and what was your excuse?’ 
Myles *winks*: ‘You know I can’t resist you when your knees are that close to the ground’ 
Penny: ‘Good Grief’ 


11:23am – In the land of creativity, baby oil and half naked footballers, On a Farm Somewhere

via Text Message 
Charlie: ‘How goes the photo shoot?’ 
Penny: ‘I’m very slippery’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh please. PENNY! I don’t want to know that!’ 
Penny: ‘I’m not sure what you’re thinking, but I’m covered head to toe in baby oil’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh…’ 
Penny: ‘I smell AMAZING’ 


12:04pm – Still in the land of creativity, baby oil and half naked footballers, On a Farm Somewhere

Myles *looking at the photos on the camera*: ‘Hey Penny, I think I’ve found the money shot’ 
Penny *walking over*: ‘This will be good’
Myles *giggling*: ‘Oh it is. Have a look…’ 
Penny *walking over*: ‘What am I doing?’
Myles: ‘Kneeling down oiling up my lower torso…’
Penny *looks at the camera*: ‘Oh God.’ 
Myles *chuckling*: ‘See. I told you that you look good on your knees, especially from behind’ 


6:21pm – In the land of creativity, baby oil and half naked footballers, lying in a Laneway in Coburg 

via Phone Call
Penny: ‘Hello?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Penny? Are you busy?’
Penny *grunting*: ‘Yeh kind of, is it important?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Yes. I need to talk to you about the Christmas decorations. Now I’ve seen this Christmas welcome mat advertised in the Innovations magazine but I need to know what you think, should I get the one with the red coloured font or the green coloured font?’
Penny: ‘Ah…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well initially I was thinking the red coloured font would match the rest of our decorations but now I’m not so sure, because the tree is green but the baubles you bought are red, but the house is…’
Penny: ‘Ouch!’
Mother Dearest: ‘Cream… Penny what is all that groaning going on, where are you?’
Penny *groaning*: ‘Well at the moment I’m currently lying on a bluestone laneway with about 67 gumnuts protruding into my rear end, covered in baby oil and moisturiser and holding a reflector underneath a photographer and a half naked footballer who are all currently poised halfway up a six foot fence in mid-air and mid-shoot while I answer your call…’
Mother Dearest: ‘You’re in a laneway?! With a half-naked footballer? Penny. Is that safe?! What if he rapes and pillages you!’
Penny: ‘Mum, I find that highly unlikely seeing as I actually know him. But he may kill me if I don’t stop talking and get on with this shoot before he falls off the fence…’
Mother Dearest *sounding hopeful*: ‘Oh… perhaps you can ask him which colour font he thinks I should get?’


9:56pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I have hay in places I didn’t even think it was possible’
Charlie: ‘I thought you were on a photo shoot? Where did the hay come from?’
Penny: ‘I was on a photo shoot in the hay’
Charlie: ‘With a half-naked footballer’
Penny: ‘Correct. I was rolling around in the hay with a half-naked footballer (otherwise known as Mr Vanilla) and a bottle of baby oil. Let me footnote that statement with, considering I am now covered in hay, itching, have dirt on my face and stink like a farm, my experience was more Bridget Jones than Mills & Boon’ 
Charlie: ‘Shattering my farm yard fantasies one hay bale at a time you are!’


Tuesday 25th November


8:59am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

The President *walking in*: ‘Good Morning Penny’ 
Penny: ‘Good Morning’ 
The President: ‘I received an unusual email from you Penny, late on Saturday night…’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Oh…’ 
The President: ‘Yes, said you were going to take Friday off because you were going to visit your Grandma this weekend’ 
Penny *wide eyed and nodding*: ‘Ah yes, yes that is correct’ 
The President *raises his eyebrows*: ‘It sounds like she lives somewhere unusual…’ 
Penny: ‘And why do you say that?’ 
The President: ‘Well it’s just that you told me you couldn’t come in because you were visiting her and to do so you were “off to Noosa bitchez” *pauses* sounds like an interesting place’ 
Penny: ‘Uh….’ 


10:20am – Still in the Office of Hell and Subtle Lies about Noosa Bitchez

via Phone Call 
Fletch: ‘Hey Penny P’
Penny: ‘Hello? I’m sorry, do I know you?’
Fletch *sounding concerned*: ‘Um it’s Fletch?’ 
Penny: ‘Fletch? That name sounds vaguely familiar… I knew someone called Fletch once…’
Fletch *pauses*: ‘Penny?’
Penny: ‘Do I ask where you disappeared to the other night? Or should I just assume you’re a modern day James Bond with a Cinderella syndrome’
Fletch *pauses*: ‘I’m sorry. I just…’
Penny: ‘It’s one thing to wake up in a strange bed with a strange man Fletch, but it’s a different kettle of fish altogether to wake up in a strange bed having lost the strange man but gained a roll of duct tape. You didn’t even leave me a glass slipper. What’s a girl to think…?’
Fletch *chuckling softly*: ‘I’m sorry Penny, I thought if I left you a roll of duct tape you’d know everything was alright’
Penny: ‘Did you think I’d feel safer waking up with duct tape than with you?’
Fletch *sighs*: ‘Well, I wasn’t quite sure what you’d feel waking up next to me… but I know you love duct tape’ 
Penny: ‘I do love duct tape, but try as I may to converse with it about Madama Butterfly, that particular roll didn’t have quite the intimate knowledge of A.L. Pinkerton that you do…’ 
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘I’m truly sorry Penny, I didn’t mean to upset you, I just…. I just had to go’ 
Penny *sighs*: ‘Alright Cinderella… you’re forgiven this time, but next time do you think you could leave me something else instead? A glass slipper? A picture of yourself? A note of explanation?’
Fletch: ‘That I can do, I’ll make it up to you Penny’  


2:10pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘Are we meeting out the front of Hamer Hall tonight?’ 
Penny: ‘Sounds good, the opera starts at 7:00pm, so say 6:45pm?’ 
Dorian: ‘I shall be there to escort my lovely consorts inside at the specified time’ 
Penny: ‘Marvellous, now can you remind us what Turandot is about?’ 
Dorian: ‘It’s about a Prince who is seeking the love of a Princess, and he has to answer three riddles to win her hand and the Prince has to run around all night searching for her name and singing about it.’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh goody. It’s the Disney of all operas. What a coincidence!’ 
Dorian: ‘And my favourite part; there are three ministers called Ping, Pang and Pong!’
Penny: ‘Forget Disney, it sounds like Play School on speed to me…’  


2:59pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Kennedy: ‘Dinner this Thursday night?’
Penny: ‘Sounds lovely, destination?’
Kennedy: ‘I’ll collect you at 6:30pm’
Penny: ‘Are you sure?’
Kennedy: ‘Of course I’m sure, I’m still waiting for my official Pinkerton Family Mad Welcoming Spectacular!’
Penny: ‘I’ll advise the locals to prepare the streamers and the juggling balls’ 


5:13pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Mother Dearest: ‘Where are you off to tonight love?’
Penny: ‘The opera’
Mother Dearest: ‘Ohhh which one?’
Penny: ‘Turandot’
Mother Dearest: *pauses for 10 seconds* *silence* *wide eyed look*
Penny: ‘The Slowmotion Beer Ad opera...’
Mother Dearest *claps hands*: ‘OOOH!!! Fantastic!! That will be wonderful!’

Thank you Carlton Draught for making me relevant... sort of...


6:58pm – Awaiting the start of the Beer Opera, Hamer Hall 

Penny: ‘So I heard from Fletch this morning… and Kennedy this afternoon’ 
Charlie: ‘Both of them?’ 
Penny: ‘Both of them, within a few hours of each other. It must be a full moon’ 
Charlie: ‘Either that or someone sent them photos of you rolling in the hay with Mr Vanilla yesterday…’
Penny: ‘As appealing as that sounds, I think I’ve still got hay in my hair’ 
Dorian: ‘It adds to your charm darling, you’re like my very own hard luck story Disney Princess’ 
Charlie *rolls eyes*: ‘Good God’ 


Wednesday 27th November 

9:56am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘So after our discussion last night, I have decided to devise a list of questions that will help you with your SWOT analysis, seeing as you really do not know anything about all the men in your life!’
Penny: ‘Not true. I know that they like me’
Charlie: ‘I am raising my eyebrows at you. Moving on, it is now your task to find out this information from Kennedy, Fletch, Mitch, Myles and Mr Vanilla.’
Penny: ‘Mr Vanilla as well?’
Charlie: ‘Mr Vanilla as well. I don’t care how unglamorous you think it was, you were still rolling around in the hay with him on the weekend. And this is a thorough assessment of the situation Penny. That’s how Julie Andrews did it in Princess Diaries, that’s how we’re going to do it here’
Penny: ‘Disney? Really? You’ve been spending too much time with Dorian. Next I know you’ll be sending me on dates on a magic carpet with a strange looking blue dude as our chaperone…’


10:03am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Email
Charlie:  ‘Here’s the list Penny, you’ve got one week to complete it.

 
20 Questions
Birthday
Favourite Sport 
Who would you use your Green Pass for?
What are your hobbies
Dogs or Cats?
Favourite Food
Ideal holiday destination
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations
Gambling Yes or No?
Occupation?
What are your qualifications?
Poison of choice
Place most likely to find you?
What do they drive 
Swedish House Mafia or Jimmy Barnes
Dream job 
At high school they would have been voted most likely to…
What is your personal themesong 
Favourite book 
Tell me a secret 


10:23am – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Email
Penny: ‘Here’s the response…

Birthday: 12th November 1989
Favourite Sport: Sex
Who would you use your Green Pass for: Bernie Vince 
What are your hobbies: Cleaning deep fryers, working with idiots, deep water running, playing netball 
Dogs or Cats: Dogs always
Favourite Food: Ice cream, lollipops, yoghurt tubes – anything that requires licking and sucking
Ideal holiday destination: Anywhere but here
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations: South Africa, Maldives, Peru, Antarctica, and anywhere else where this is a high chance of being eaten by native animals
Gambling Yes or No: Only with my future 
Occupation: Chief Sex Kitten In the Office of Hell and the Canteen and Rodent Invasions
What are your qualifications: Part Time Student, Part Time Mother Hen, Part Time Disaster Relief Squad, Full Time Lunatic
Poison of choice: Vodka, Baileys and after enough of those anything remotely alcoholic
Place most likely to find you: Lying under the desk 
What do you drive: Beep Beep Barina
Swedish House Mafia or Jimmy Barnes: Jimmy Barnes 
Dream job: Cossack Dancer in Russia 
At high school they would have been voted most likely to: Run the world 

What is your personal themesong: I’m Going Slightly Mad (Queen)
Favourite book: Bridget Jones Diary  
Tell me a secret: I have a friend who is making me survey the men in my life. 

Charlie: ‘A. You’re an Idiot
B. Really? Jimmy Barnes?!
C. Who the hell is Bernie Vince?
D. I can only hope the boys answer that better than you did
E. Now stop procrastinating and get on with it!’
Penny: ‘God help me…’