Penny Pinkerton Gets Around

Chapter 12 

Thursday 10th October 

7:18am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘I’ve just woken up and found two pieces of duct tape in my hair. You know the due date is drawing near when you start sleeping with your assignment’ 
Fletch: ‘Lucky assignment…’ 

9:33am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘We’ve got the Best & Fairest tomorrow night. How many new uses can I find for duct tape between now and then?’ 
Charlie: ‘I’m hedging my bets on at least five major disasters, but hey, this is the price you pay for being roundly adored by forty odd exceptionally good looking footballers in suits’ 
Penny: ‘This is true. That kind of love comes at a price’ 
Charlie: ‘Yes. Usually your sanity’ 


1:13pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just picked up the trophies. Only two with spelling mistakes – apparently Frid O’Connell and Joseph Condom now play for us. Oh and “Gordon Roberts, 2nd Place – Rotary Junior Public Speaking Competition” will be receiving his award tomorrow too…’ 
Charlie: ‘What a thrill for Gordon! I wonder if he knows he’s coming? 


3:58pm – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger 
Penny: ‘I’ve just made the twenty-seventh amendment to the Table Plan this week and sent it off to the venue. If people don’t like where they are sitting now, they can sit on the floor’ 
Charlie: ‘Had a few picky customers?’ 
Penny: ‘If I have another girlfriend/mother/brother/third cousin twice removed rings me to check they are sitting facing west, at 3 o’clock on the table, with their two favourite people and being served a gluten free, corn free, salt free meal, I may actually throw the handset’ 
Charlie: ‘On the upside, at least you could fix the broken handset with duct tape…’ 


8:13pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Bob: ‘I had to go shopping for cricket whites tonight Penny, AND I had to buy a box’ 
Penny: ‘Probably a good idea, I’d like nieces and nephews one day…’
Bob: ‘We got to the counter and there were only two girls serving, and Dad turned around to me and said “Well son, this is when you become a man, you’re just going to have to grin and bear it”’
Penny *chuckling*: ‘Really? Thank goodness you’re not female Bob, you wouldn’t cope with the never ending stream of mortifying ‘bras/feminine hygiene/contraception/pap smear’ embarrassments we endure. 
Bob *eyes wide*: ‘Oh…’  


Friday 11th October 


10:28am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Email 
The President: ‘Hi Penny, 
I’m writing to advise that I will be bringing an extra seven guests tonight as my family has decided to come. I have also invited some business associates to join us. Please make sure they are all seated with me. 
I would also like to extend my speech at the start to after the Coaches Address and I will need at least ten minutes instead of the four you have allocated. Could you please amend the running sheet and send through this and the table layout and guest list before midday today. 
Thanks’ 


10:31am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just received an email from the President telling me he’s bringing an extra seven guests he wants seated with him, and he wants to speak for six minutes longer than allocated in a time slot I have allocated for entrée serving…’
Charlie: ‘I know very little about events but I would say that nine hours out from the function you’ve probably already confirmed the table plan and printed it out, and the running sheet and sent it out and knowing you printed out at least six spare copies and highlighted them and sent it through to the emcee etc and now he’s wanting you to change the entire thing…’ 
Penny: ‘Correct. On all counts’
Charlie: ‘I have a feeling you may be reaching for the vodka shortly. What are you going to do?’ 
Penny: ‘Well I’ll just let him talk when he wants to, it will be unfortunate the staff will be clanking about serving the entrée at the same time… but what can I do?’ 
Charlie: ‘What can you do… *grins*’ 
Penny: ‘In good news, Gordon Roberts still hasn’t rung to tell me he’s coming, so I suppose that’s a win!’ 


11:19am – Lying under the Desk in the Office of Hell and Trophies 

via Text Message
Kennedy: ‘Hey Penny, would Sunday night suit for dinner? I was thinking Cumulus Inc.?’ 
Penny: ‘Sure, why not. How will I know you? Shall I wear a red ribbon in my hair?’ 
Kennedy: ‘Haha, nah I’ve seen your picture, I’ll know who you are. Just turn up at 7pm and I’ll find you’ 
Penny: ‘I don’t know whether to be flattered or slightly concerned… *grins* I’ll be there at 7pm’ 


1:55pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘I’ve just gone to pack the Premiership Flag in the trophy box for tonight. It appears the cats have been defecating in it’
Charlie: ‘Of course they have… and now?’ 
Penny: ‘And now I’ll be going to the Dry Cleaners in my spare time this afternoon…’ 


2:13pm – Lying Under the Desk in the Office of Hell and Disasters

Goldie: ‘Hey Penny! Penny?... Are you lying under the desk?’
Penny: ‘I am lying under the desk’
Goldie: ‘I want to say shouldn’t you be doing something… but I’m sensing this is not the time…’
Penny: ‘Your powers of perception are astonishing Goldie. How do you feel about a trip to the Dry Cleaners?’ 


4:39pm – In the Lands of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘It appears I have either come face to face with Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the dagger or this is the worst case of indigestion/chest pains known to man...’
Charlie: ‘Even in times of high stress there is an opportunity for a cultural reference… the crowd appreciates your humour! Even if your diaphragm doesn’t!’ 


6:49pm – Fancy Pants Venue of the Best & Fairest in the Land

Penny: ‘So do you understand how this works?’
Goldie: ‘I can’t believe you’ve gotten us walkie talkies… I’m wearing a suit, I’ve got a walkie talkie, I have to walk around all night pretending to be invisible, I feel like I’m in a James Bond movie!’ 
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘I just hope you can resist the urge to commando roll across the dancefloor…’ 


9:13pm – Foyer of the Fancy Pants Venue of the Best & Fairest in the Land

via Walkie Talkie 
Goldie: ‘MAYDAY MAYDAY!’ 
Penny: ‘What’s wrong Goldie?’
Goldie: ‘HOUSTON! We have a problem!’ 
Penny: ‘Goldie?’
Goldie: ‘So when you’re near me Penny can’t you hear me, SOS!’
Penny *hissing*: ‘GOLDIE! What is wrong? I’ve got guests staring at my chest oddly because it sounds like I’ve got “The Great Escape/Apollo 13 ABBA concert” playing down my dress!’ 
Goldie: ‘Wait… down your dress? Where are you keeping your walkie talkie?’ 
Penny: ‘Use your imagination. Now what is the problem?’ 
Goldie: ‘Uh… um… right. Well the projector screen keeps falling over’
Penny *sighs*: ‘Is that all?’
Goldie: ‘Well, that and the fact that because the actual leg fell off it, I’m now standing behind it holding it up like a statue while they finish presenting the Life Memberships…’
Penny: ‘Oh God, I’m coming with the duct tape now!’ 


11:57pm – Taxi to the Most Livable City in the World

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘How’d it go – did you survive?’ 
Penny: ‘I came, I saw, I fixed a lot of things with duct tape. The leg of the projector screen fell off, one guest had a nut allergy they failed to mention and required an EpiPen, they ran out of Carlton Draught an hour before the function finished and had to serve some Greek beer, I found two of the trainers crying in the toilets (don’t ask me what happened there – that’s a job for Dr Phil), one of the WAG’s had the girls standing up at attention in quite a showstopper of a dress until the seam split on the side and then that really had everyone’s attention. Oh and they served the entrée the entire way through the President’s speech,’ 
Charlie: ‘Thank god for duct tape. It is now time for a vodka. Or seventeen’  
Penny: ‘I’m about to go and consume several. Pray for my liver.’


Saturday 12th October 


11:19am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 


via Text Message 
Mitch: ‘So whens the follow up from the Snapchat you sent me last night Penny?’ 
Penny: ‘I sent you a Snapchat? Oh god… what of’
Mitch: ‘Let’s just say the after effects of it lasted longer than the snap itself…’ 
Penny: ‘Oh shit.’ 


11:24am – Still lying in the Castle of Penny


via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘I’ve just woken up in Beardy’s bed’ 
Snicks: ‘Is he in the bed too, or you just magically appeared there’
Roxie: ‘Oh no, he’s here… He’s about 43cm away from me, can’t be sure if he’s asleep or dead’ 
Penny: ‘Well there is always one way to find out… *winks*’ 
Roxie: ‘I’m afraid if I move I might wake Oscar’ 
Snicks: ‘You’re in bed with another man as well?!’ 
Roxie: ‘No, no, Oscar is his Border Collie…’ 
Penny: ‘He has a ute, a beard and a Border Collie?! Tell me Rox, when is the wedding?’ 
Snicks: ‘If there was ever a way to steal a country girl’s heart…’
Penny: ‘Beardy would be writing the instruction manual on it!’  


2:23pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Myles: ‘Get any good pics from last night Penny P?’ 
Penny: ‘Heya Myles, got quite a few, there’s a nice one of us actually’ 
Myles: ‘With our clothes on or off’ 
Penny: ‘Um… clothes on. There isn’t one of us with our clothes off!’ 
Myles: ‘Maybe not on your camera… *winks*’ 


2:29pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Girls. I seem to have vodka amnesia. I can’t remember anything that happened after the seventh shot of black sambuca…’ 
Roxie: ‘Clearly because you’re calling it vodka amnesia, when really you should be saying I have ‘I’ll drink the entire bar’ amnesia…’ 
Snicks: ‘Do you even remember how you got home?’ 
Penny: ‘Uh, not particularly, but I woke up at home so I presumed I was in control of my senses. But now Myles is telling me there is photographic evidence of us, possibly sans some clothing’ 
Snicks: ‘Well we all know Myles loses clothing like Oprah loses 15 pounds. At the speed of light and on demand…’
Roxie: ‘And we all know if there was any footballer you’d lose some clothes for it would be Myles’ 
Penny: ‘But what I don’t know is if this happened…! Help…’ 
Snicks: ‘Ah Penny, I’m sure there’s a video somewhere on YouTube’ 
Roxie: ‘Jason DeRulo would be so proud…’ 
Penny: ‘I’m suspecting I may need another shot of black sambuca before I see this…’ 


5:43pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Fletch: ‘Hey Penny, how’s your section of the group project going? I think I’ve almost found fifteen different uses for duct tape?’ 
Penny: ‘Hmm well I think I found about twelve yesterday… Putting trophies back together, holding Premiership flags together, keeping projector screens upright, keeping a dress hem up, keeping someone’s chest in a dress, affixing cords to the ground so people don’t go flying, covering holes in the wall where mice sneak out and the list goes on…’
Fletch: ‘Something tells me this wasn’t just dedicated research that led you to discover these things…’
Penny: ‘Just another day in the life of Penny Pinkerton!’ 


Sunday 13th October 


10:13am – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Facebook Messenger 
Dorian: ‘Ladies, I have been making plans for our European extravaganza! I have made a list of the countries with the best looking royal families’
Charlie: ‘And how does this relate to our holiday?’
Dorian: ‘Quite obviously woman! We’re going to conquer and plunder them for jewels, earldoms and talking monkeys!’ 
Penny: ‘Are you sure your middle name is not Jafar?’ 


3:58pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’ve been in and out of the house three times today, and the palm loving neighbours have waved to me each and every time…’ 
Chloe-Lee: ‘What were they doing?’ 
Penny: ‘They have eighteen bags of potting mixed stacked on their front porch, I suspect they are preparing for more palms and perhaps that camel…’ 
Chloe-Lee: ‘So they’re just in their garden constantly waving to you?’
Penny: ‘Yes. They are incredibly avid wavers. I’m not sure whether I interpret this as friendliness, OCD or interest in something more than waving…’ 
Chloe-Lee: ‘Very difficult to interpret at this stage. Excessive palm trees, excessive waving… are you sure they’re not secretly Middle Eastern Princes or something?’ 
Penny: ‘Shit. Royals in my own street. Do NOT tell my Mother!’ 


5:44pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Flossie: ‘Hey Penny, when do you have that date with the boy Mum found for you down the beach?’ 
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Tonight. In about an hour’ 
Flossie: ‘So you’re having a nap?’ 
Penny: ‘Floss, if Mum has picked him for me, I think I need all the mental preparation I can get!’ 


7:32pm – Lavatorial Facilities, Cumulus Inc.

via Text Message
Penny: ‘We have a slight situation on the date front’ 
Flossie: ‘Oh god, what’s happened’ 
Penny: ‘A. He’s gorgeous. B. He’s bloody intelligent. C. He’s hilarious.’
Flossie: ‘He sounds amazing! What’s wrong?’ 
Penny: ‘D. I’m currently hiding in the toilet because E. I’ve just realized I went to Primary School with him for two years. And I was in love with him when I was 5!!!’ 
Flossie: ‘For someone seemingly intelligent, you are an idiot. Get out of the toilet and get on with destiny Penny!’ 


Monday 14th October 


8:34am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Shame you couldn’t make it to the pool this morning Schitz...’ 
JB Schitzy: ‘What did I miss?’ 
Penny: ‘Well apart from the synchronized ‘old men bouncing up and down in front of the water jets’ routine that I was privy to (don’t we all just love that at 6:30am on a Monday morning), Mr. Vanilla was working’ 
JB Schitzy: ‘Oh excellent, I assume you did your best Elle Macpherson impersonation in those excellent bathers of yours’
Penny: ‘Don’t talk to me about them, I realized this morning that they may have an Elle Macpherson cut at the front, but they are rocking a bloody Gisele Bundchen cut at the back’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Do I want to know what that is?’ 
Penny: ‘Looks something like this…’

JB Schitz: ‘Ah yes, when you look like Gisele it seems unnecessary to cover your butt cheeks doesn’t it?’ 
Penny: ‘Indeed, however when you are me and surrounded by old men in black Speedos at the Thomastown pools it is probably more advisable to be wearing a waterproof burqa’ 
JB Schitz: ‘So true. So what happened, did Mr. Vanilla notice your Gisele wear?’ 
Penny: ‘Not quite, he noticed my penchant for being a grown adult and wearing a floatation device as I bobbed up and down the pool. So he decided to watch me the whole time (possibly in case I planned to come and ‘save him’ again), and then loiter near the edge of the pool until I bounced over before smiling and asking me what the hell I was doing’ 
JB Schitz: ‘You actually SPOKE to him!?’ 
Penny: ‘I don’t know if you’d call it speaking or blabbering… I’m fairly sure several words came out, whether they were coherent sentences or not… I can’t be certain’ 
JB Schitz: ‘How long for?!’
Penny: ‘Oh you know, five minutes’
JB Schitz: ‘Five minutes listening to you blabbering? It must be love! Or those Elle/Gisele bathers *winks*’ 


6:58pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad 

Mother Dearest: ‘Bob, how did you go at cricket, did your box fit?’ 
Bob *blushing*: ‘Um, yeh it went really well Mum, I took a few wickets’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Did you know how to put your box in?’ 
Bob: ‘Yeh, and I made 4 runs when I was batting too’
Mother Dearest *voice becoming pitchy*: ‘Yes, but did your BOX FIT?’ 
Bob *squirming*: ‘Yes Mum it was fine, and I kept for a few overs too’
Mother Dearest *waving arms around*: ‘Oh I was SO worried, all I could think about was your box and if it would fit and if you knew what to do with it! I was sitting there envisaging it sliding down your leg as you ran about! It’s very important that your box fits and stays in place!’ 
Penny *pats Bob on the back*: ‘Always got her eye on the prize our Mum, doesn’t she?’ 


8:46pm – Same Dinner with same Pinkerton Family Mad  

The Pinkerton Family triumphs again - 131 minutes after the main meal was served...

Mother Dearest in the kitchen: 'OMG!!!' *hand flies to mouth - eyes wide open* 'The garlic bread is still in the oven!!! *pauses* Oh well, it will just be a little crispy...' 
Penny: 'Most families have after dinner mints after their dessert, but we have *ahem* 'lightly roasted' garlic rock bread instead...'

And to think, we'd almost made it through an entire dinner without the wheels falling off...


Tuesday 15th October


8:34am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Flossie: ‘God it still smells like garlic in here!’ 
Penny: ‘At least we can be sure there will be no vampires coming to get us in the night!’ 
Flossie *chuckling*: ‘Speaking of people in the night, what happened with the gorgeous boy from your childhood on Sunday night?!’ 
Penny: ‘Ah well, after I emerged from the toilet, we had a really lovely dinner. Once I realized who he was, I think I fell for him all over again. God I had good taste when I was 5!’
Flossie *clapping hands*: ‘Ohhh! Are you going to see him again?’ 
Penny: ‘Absolutely’
Flossie: ‘Did you tell him you recognized him?’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Definitely not!’ 
Flossie: ‘And are you going to tell Mum?’ 
Penny: ‘Absolutely. Definitely. Not.’ 


2:02pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Facebook Messenger 
Penny: ‘Sometimes I wish Maslow was more relevant to duct tape, then I could use pearlers like this in this bloody group assignment. From the man who brought us a Hierarchy of Needs (I didn’t know that I needed)...
“It isn’t normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement”’
Fletch: ‘Ah Maslow… he’s always telling us what we don’t realise! So do you struggle with knowing what you want in all facets of your life?’ 
Penny: ‘Um… occasionally? But I’m fairly certain I do know that the sooner I finish writing this executive summary the better!’ 


5:34pm – Lying under the desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Phone Call
Fletch: ‘Just double checking we’ve got everything for this project before I submit it… Introduction?’
Penny: ‘Check!’ 
Fletch: ‘Executive Summary’ 
Penny: ‘Check!’ 
Fletch: ‘Research Articles’
Penny: ‘Check!’ 
Fletch: ‘Findings?’ 
Penny: ‘Check!’ 
Fletch: ‘References’ 
Penny: ‘Check!’ 
Fletch: ‘Porter’s Five Forces Model?’ 
Penny: Check!’ 
Fletch: ‘Do you think I’m cute?’ 
Penny: ‘Check!’ 
Fletch *giggles* 
Penny: ‘Oh… uh… hmmm’ 
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘I’ll submit it now, have a good night Penny’ 


Wednesday 16th October 


7:03am – In the decontamination area

JB Schitz: ‘You weren’t lying about Mr. Vanilla! He actually smiled, waved and winked at you as we walked past!’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Yep. Pretty sure the “I’ll just wave like the bones have fallen out of my hand/tilt my head sideways like a twat” wave back from me was just as attractive too…’
JB Schitz: ‘Pretty sure he was looking at your Elle cut bathers rather than your hand Penny…’ 


9:10am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘I believe you owe me a drink Penny Pinkerton. It’s the least you can do after you sent me that video on Snapchat last week’
Penny: ‘Exactly what was I doing?’ 
Mitch: ‘I could never do it justice… but let’s just say, this song was the soundtrack…’ 

Penny: ‘Oh God.’ 


10:11am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger 
Fletch: ‘How’s the recovery from the mad rush yesterday going?’ 
Penny: ‘It’s been significantly brightened by a delivery of a box of duct tape and a bunch of gerberas. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?’
Fletch: ‘I would have no idea…’ 
Penny: ‘Interesting…it seems there are 33 innovative uses for duct tape, we missed one’
Fletch: ‘What’s the last one?’
Penny: ‘Conveying one’s affections via stationary… *winks*’  


11:20am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Kennedy: ‘Hey Penny, had a great time on Sunday night, are you free this weekend?’ 
Penny: ‘Hey Kennedy, I’m around Sunday arvo if you’re keen?’ 
Kennedy: ‘Cool beans, I’ll flick you a text on Friday to confirm plans’  


12:34pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message 
Myles: ‘Mum just brought my washing in and there’s an article of clothing here that I’m not quite sure is mine’ 
Penny: ‘That’s sensational news Myles. Why are you telling me?’ 
Myles: ‘Well because if I remember correctly, they look like they might actually be yours…’ 
Penny: ‘Oh…’ 


2:09pm – Lying under the Desk in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘IS IT A FULL MOON TONIGHT?’ 
Charlie: ‘I can’t say I’m up on the patterns of the cosmos… any particular reason you ask?’ 
Penny: ‘I’m having one of those days where I suspect I may have gotten out of bed looking like Elle Macpherson instead of Penny Pinkerton’ 
Charlie: ‘I don’t understand… your legs grew four inches? Or do your bathers suddenly fit?’
Penny: ‘No no no, I’ve just had an inordinate amount of attention from men today. So much so, I had to lie down’ 
Charlie: ‘Is there such thing as too much attention from men? It can’t be that bad, I mean who is there? 
Penny: ‘It’s worse than you think…’ 
Charlie: ‘So there’s Fletch? The gorgeous uni geek and my personal favourite…’ 
Penny: ‘Who sent me flowers and a box of duct tape (don’t ask) today’ 
Charlie: ‘And then there’s Prince Harry?’
Penny: ‘Who has finally left the country, our navy and my mother’s imagination for at least a little while’ 
Charlie: ‘And then Eugene? The internet date…’ 
Penny: ‘Thankfully just a distant memory’ 
Charlie: ‘And there’s Mitch? Your kebab loving bestie…’ 
Penny: ‘Who just told me whatever snapchat I sent him last Friday was so good/incriminating I now owe him a drink this Saturday night’ 
Charlie: ‘And there’s always been Myles? Your favourite footballer (even though you’d never admit to having favourites)…’
Penny: ‘Who has just informed me he has an item of my clothing, that he apparently acquired last Friday night…’ 
Charlie: ‘And there’s Mr. Vanilla? King of the Speedos’  
Penny: ‘Who winked and waved at me this morning… and don’t forget the boys across the road’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh the avid wavers with the unknown intentions’ 
Penny: ‘One can never have too many of those’ 
Charlie: ‘And now, there’s Kennedy? Your childhood sweetheart…’ 
Penny: 'Who I am now going on another date with this Sunday...In hindsight, not as hopeless as my mother would have society at large believe…’ 
Charlie: ‘I’m exhausted. I think I need to lie down too. Forget Elle Macpherson, she’s got nothing on you Penny Pinkerton!’ 
Penny: ‘No one tell my mother!...’