Penny Pinkerton Gets Personal

Chapter 8


Thursday 12th September 


7:12am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Stumble out of bed at the crack of 7am, walk through the kitchen, half asleep, en route to the bathroom when I overhear this…

Mother Dearest *reading the careers section in the paper*: ‘I need a career change…’
Father Bear: ‘Well, are there any jobs there that take your eye?’
Mother Dearest *clapping excitedly & pointing*: ‘Oo, I could be a Sex Therapist! I mean, I’ve got the teaching background’ 
Father Bear *eyebrows raised*
Penny *walks into the bench*: ‘Ow! Perhaps not until you’ve read ‘Gay Stories’ hey Mum?’

Someone please, tell me I’m dreaming. 

11:43am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’ve just realized I’ve got an essay due on Monday at 5pm. I haven’t picked a topic. I haven’t read the readings. I haven’t done any planning. I haven’t even begun to procrastinate yet’
Charlie: ‘Sounding as prepared as usual. Anyone you can ask for some help?’
Penny: ‘Well… there is always Fletch…’
Charlie: ‘You know I said, ‘help’ and not ‘a date’ right?’
Penny: ‘Hilarious. It’s a mystery why your stand up career hasn’t taken off yet, you know that?’


11:51am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Hey Fletch, just a quick one, this essay on Monday… 
Have you started?
What are you writing on?
How long is it supposed to be?
Which readings do you recommend?
Do you like pickles?’
Fletch: ‘Yes, Porter’s Five Forces in relation to Bread Top, 2500 words, the three readings from the first session, not really’
Penny: ‘Porter’s Five Forces… I’m guessing they are not wind, water, fire, earth and heart? And that Captain Planet probably isn’t relevant here?’
Fletch: ‘Sadly not. I suspect you may have paid more attention if they were?’
Penny: ‘You know me. I love sausages and men in tights’ 
Fletch: ‘So I’ve noticed…’ 


7:03pm – Dinner, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie: ‘So Mum, any movement on the matchmaking front for Penny?’
Mother Dearest *chewing with a mouth full of food*: ‘Mmm muh treeeed muuut maah coooood’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘What she’s trying to say is she’s been a bit preoccupied planning her new career as a Sex Therapist’ 
Flossie *chokes on chicken*: ‘Sex Therapist?!’
Penny: ‘Yes, she found the ad in the careers section this morning. Apparently it tickled her fancy…’
Flossie *wide eyed*: ‘Perhaps you should start with matchmaking Mum and see if you have any luck with that first…’
Penny *glaring*: ‘Cheers Flossie, dob me in as her first client!’
Mother Dearest: ‘Now girls, I think that’s a wonderful idea. Penny, I would love to help you with your quest for a husband’
Penny: ‘Quest? I’m sorry; I think I missed the part where King Arthur galloped by in a wave of chivalry…’
Mother Dearest *rolls eyes*: ‘Leave it to me Penny; I’m going to jump onto RSVP tomorrow and upload the ad I wrote for you. We’ll have you married off in no time’ 
Bob to Father Bear: ‘This is like a tennis match; my neck is getting sore watching them go back and forth!’
Father Bear to Bob: ‘Just say nothing son, say nothing and keep eating!’
Penny *throwing arms in the air*: ‘I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or hide under the table’
Flossie *laughing*: ‘I wouldn’t bother Guinevere; you’re on a one way Mother Dearest ticket to Marriageville now!’ 
Penny: ‘Good God’


Friday 13th September 


11:09am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘Penny. I am about to post the personal ad. Anything you would like to add?’
Penny: 'Just one thing...'

Mother Dearest: ‘I’m being serious here Penny!’
Penny: ‘I know. As any person who expects to marry their daughter off to Prince Harry using RSVP usually is…’ 


1:12pm – Siting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’d like to report my raging essay success’
Charlie: ‘Is it done?!’
Penny: ‘It is indeed. I have finally picked a topic’ 
Charlie: ‘Momentous. Ladies & Gents, she has picked a topic! That may even make the front page of the paper…’ 


4:46pm – Still sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I suppose I should not be entirely surprised that at 4:45pm on a Friday afternoon I find out the beer order for the weekend isn't going to turn up...’
Snicks: ‘Surprised? No… not in your line of work…’
Penny: ‘My line of work being?’
Snicks: ‘Disaster control specialist. Marauding as a Sports Administrator’
Penny: ‘True that. Good grief’ 


5:12pm – Le Factory of Alcoholic Beverages de Dan Murphy’s

Penny: ‘Hey, I’ve got 26 slabs of Carlton, 16 slabs of VB, 14 slabs of Jimmy, 4 slabs of Johnny and 3 slabs of UDL’
Checkout Boy: ‘Wow… Must be some party you’re having!’
Penny: ‘I wish, just another weekend at the footy actually’
Checkout Boy *smiling*: ‘Shame, I was going to ask if I could come along’
Penny: ‘Well, you’re more than welcome to, but you’d have to share with 2500 other thirsty spectators’
Checkout Boy *blushing*: ‘Well, I’d rather not share you if we were going to have a drink together’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Ah… well, unfortunately that is my lot in life. Drink provider to the alcoholic masses’ 
Checkout Boy: ‘Well if you ever decide you’d rather have a drink on a more personal level, you know where to find me’
Penny *chuckling*: ‘I do indeed, service desk 4’
Checkout Boy: ‘That’s my number!’ 

Good grief. On the upside, I suppose alcohol is more appealing than fish.  


7:32pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Snicks: ‘Get out your red dress & your heels. 
Tonight. We find Batman. Pick you up at 9pm’ 

10:11pm – Getting Naked for Satan
 
Penny: ‘I’m not sure how you even persuaded me to come out tonight… I feel like we didn’t even discuss it’
Roxie: ‘We didn’t discuss it. We just told you.’
Snicks: ‘Besides, I’ve just had my fourteenth friend in six months get engaged. I needed wingwomen for the Batman hunt’
Penny: ‘I love it. You’re hunting for Batman, Roxie’s looking for Mr. Beardy & as we speak, my mother is posting my personal ad on RSVP in the hope that Prince Harry might answer. Bridget Jones would be proud.’


11:59pm – Getting Nakeder for Satan

Penny: ‘I just got a text from Roxie. She’s currently hiding behind a cut out of King Kong near the bathrooms. Apparently we need to go and save her’
Snicks: ‘From what?’
Penny: ‘At this point, I’d say herself…’ 


Saturday 14th September 


12:02am - Getting Naked for Satan with King Kong

Penny: ‘Any reason why we’re playing hide and seek Rox?’
Roxie *eyes wide open*: ‘MR BEARDY JUST WALKED PAST’
Penny *grinning*: ‘Mr. Beardy is here?’
Snicks *pulling Roxie’s arm*: ‘Let’s go Rox, let’s go find you a husband!’ 


12:04am – Mr. Beardy Hunt, Naked for Satan

Mitch: *wolf whistle*
Penny *pauses & turns slowly*: ‘Well, well, well…’
Mitch: ‘I almost didn’t recognize you in that red dress Penny Pinkerton. Come here and give me a hug’ 
Penny *hugging Mitch*: ‘You do know the going price for hug don’t you?’
Mitch: ‘My mind’s gone blank with the vision of you in that dress; you better refresh my memory…’
Penny: ‘A drink. And a ban on anymore cheesy pick-up lines for at least 30 minutes’ 
Mitch *grinning*: ‘A drink? I thought you’d never ask!’  


10:39am – Lying under the Desk in the Office of Hell

Goldie: ‘Penny! Penny! Are you in here?’
Penny *groaning*: ‘Not so loud Goldie’
Goldie: ‘Are you wearing sunglasses? Inside?’
Penny: ‘It’s a new fashion statement’
Goldie *giggling*: ‘Oh yes, from the ‘Went out on a School Night” Collection? By that designer, what’s his name…? “HungOver”?’
Penny: ‘Funny. What’s wrong? I’m lying here brainstorming innovative ways to solve things for my uni essay and I can almost be certain whatever you’re about to tell me isn’t going to help my brainstorming!’
Goldie: ‘That depends on how innovative you feel you can get with 250 frozen sausages’
Penny *groaning*: ‘I’m fairly sure I no longer feel innovative. I just feel ill. But I can’t tell if it’s the sausages or the vodka.’ 
Goldie *pulling Penny up*: ‘C’mon boss, let’s go sort out some hard sausage. We all know you love it!’ 


11:04am – In the Canteen of Rodent Invasions 

Have spent the last 20 minutes standing here stroking, pulling, massaging, yanking and banging clumps of frozen sausages in an almost futile attempt to find innovative ways to separate them so they can be defrosted. 

Note to Self

In depth knowledge of the Declaration of Independence is currently not improving job prospects or the quality of life and sausage experiences. 


11:12am – In the Canteen of Rodent Invasions

via Text Message 
Mitch: ‘Tell you what Penny, in the dress you were wearing last night, I was hoping your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter’
Penny: ‘I was almost certain I banned cheesy pick-up lines… Continue…’
Mitch: ‘Because if they were, then I would like to spend some time between the holidays’
Penny: ‘Oh Mitch. Did you eat a bucket of corny for breakfast?’
Mitch: ‘No, but I’m laying here thinking of how good you looked in that red dress last night?’
Penny: ‘I bet you’d love to see how good I look right now eh?’
Mitch: ‘It could only make the memory better’
Penny: ‘Can’t argue there. Watching a woman massage and pull a kilo of frozen sausages apart usually does…’ 


Sunday 15th September


10:11am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

Goldie *panting*: ‘PENNY! Come quickly!’
Penny *standing up*: ‘If this isn’t Prince Harry, I am going to be disappointed Goldie!’


10:12am – Standing outside the Canteen of Rodent Invasions

Penny: ‘Goldie, what’s happened? You called out to me, and then you ran off!’ 
Goldie *gesturing*: ‘Look inside! We’re flooded!’ 
Penny *exhales*: ‘What do you mean we’re flooded…’
Goldie: ‘We must have forgotten to empty the bucket that collects the dripping water inside the coolroom yesterday. With all of that stock in there overnight, it worked overtime. When we opened the coolroom door this morning, the water just came rushing out’
Penny *walks into canteen*: ‘Goldie… it’s just a big puddle… I wouldn’t exactly be calling Noah and the Ark in just yet. Grab the mop and get to it kiddo’ 
Goldie: ‘Well it seemed kind of dramatic. I mean, my shoes got soaked in the deluge!’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Stand next to the deep fryer for an hour, I promise they’ll dry’ 
Goldie: ‘You are an ideas woman Penny, you know, you may even pass that innovation essay at this rate!’ 
Penny: ‘Speaking of which. I’m off to write my essay Goldie, just send me a text message and keep my updated. We’ve got seven more hours of this season left, I’m sure you can handle it. I’m only to be interrupted in an emergency’
Goldie: ‘Of Biblical Proportions…’
Penny *grinning: ‘Correct’ 


Sitting in the Office of Hell – Writing the Innovation Essay

via Text Message 
12:03pm
Goldie: ‘We’ve just run out of Jimmy’ 

12:38pm
Goldie: ‘We’ve just run out of Johnny’ 

1:13pm 
Goldie: ‘We’ve just run out of Sausage Rolls’ 

1:58pm 
Goldie: ‘We’ve just run out of Hot Dogs. But plenty of rolls still!’ 
Penny: ‘Make hot chip rolls!’

2:49pm 
Goldie: ‘Hot Chip Rolls going gangbusters’ 

3:09pm
Goldie: ‘We’ve just run out of chips’ 

4:10pm
Goldie: ‘We’ve run out of Carlton'
Penny: ‘I’m surprised you haven’t run out of credit! Pack it up in 15 & bring all the staff in here to celebrate!’ 


6:17pm – Lying in the Office of Hell 

Penny: ‘Congratulations everyone on another season done & dusted!’
Goldie: ‘Thanks Boss’ 
Samwise Gamgino: ‘I must say, having a lying down party is probably the best idea you’ve had all season’
Goldie: ‘Better than all of the things you did with duct tape…’
Samwise Gamgino: ‘Almost better than the toilet paper you stuffed up your nose when you had to plunge the toilets…’
Goldie *giggling*: ‘Almost…’ 
Penny *exhales*: ‘I’m just glad it’s all over & we can now relax…’ 


6:19pm – Lying in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
The President: ‘Fantastic News, the Reserves have won in an epic final today and will be playing in the Grand Final next Saturday 21st September! Penny, we will be hosting the after match function at the rooms. Make sure you’re prepared’ 

6:20pm – Still lying in the Office of Hell 

Penny: ‘You might want to put a pause on those celebrations… just got a message, the boys won today. We’ll be back next weekend to do it all again’ 
Goldie *head in hands*: ‘If I wasn’t already lying down, I think I’d need to lie down’ 


Monday 16th September


8:01am – Standing in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘The essay writing has commenced! I am now cleaning my desk.’
Charlie: ‘And so it begins…’ 

9:33pm – Standing in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Would probably get the essay done a lot sooner if I didn’t have to spend 3 hours cleaning in order to find the desk…’
Charlie: ‘It’s all part of the thinking process, you can’t rush these things!’ 


11:34am – Standing in the Lands of Penny  

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Victorious! After 3 hours of cleaning I have finally found my desk and coincidentally rediscovered what her carpet looks like...I also smell like Mr. Sheen Polish… May have gotten a teeny weency bit excited with the spray…but hey! Every wooden surface in my room is absolutely sparkling!’ 
Charlie: ‘High on polish fumes, this is all we need’ 


11:45am 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Think I better go for a walk to clear my head before writing, perhaps I’ll walk around to the Milk Bar for some supplies’ 
Charlie: ‘Have you actually even written anything yet?!’
Penny: ‘You can’t rush genius Charlie!’ 


12:11pm – Sitting at the desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Did you know, that the Pineapple Freddo has half the amount of sugar that the Strawberry Freddo has... must be the high fruit content or something...’
Charlie: ‘I suspected the fumes from the Mr. Sheen may have gone to your head. Now I am certain they have’ 


3:44pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Fletch: ‘How’s the essay going? Almost done?’
Penny: ‘If by almost done you mean, the essay is within 25% of the final word limit, referencing at least one reading we did this semester, referring loosely to the chosen topic and I’ve spent the majority of the day cleaning instead of writing then yes, I believe I am almost done’ 
Fletch: ‘Captain Planet would be proud of you Penny, I just know it’ 
Penny: ‘You’re making me swoon Fletch, that’s no mean feat considering I’m still high on Mr. Sheen fumes from my wood polishing efforts this morning!’ 
Fletch: ‘Wood polishing?’ 
Penny: ‘I can make any wood come up a treat, just gotta rub it the right way!’ 
Fletch: ‘I look forward to seeing your technique in action one day…’ 


4:59pm – Dancing around the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Success!! Submitted!!’ 
Charlie: ‘Congratulations! Well done! You managed to whip that up super quick, what did you end up writing on?’
Penny: ‘The 10 most innovative things to do with duct tape. As it turns out, I know quite a bit about innovation after all!’ 


Tuesday 17th September 


9:57am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘So I see that Tony Abbott has named his Cabinet, and we have proportional gender representation in play’
Penny: ‘Now Charlie, is that sarcasm I detect? Let us remember, this is the Cabinet of a man and a party who suggested that women need to a marry a man to be fulfilled as human beings, and preferably one who earns over $60k because we couldn’t do that ourselves, and worst of all *shock horror* we’re actually single because we’re fussy. Not because we’re happy, well educated, competent and too busy reading The Feminine Mystique to listen to their twaddle. With that in mind, I think a one woman Cabinet is a marvellous victory’
Charlie: ‘Touché. Now have you considered entering politics?’
Penny: ‘Au contraire my dear friend, we both know that I am too busy wearing heels, lippy, an apron, playing house and drinking gin & tonics for that kind of work’ 
 

6:55pm – Dinner, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Flossie: ‘So Mum, had any responses to Penny’s personal ad yet?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well no, I don’t think I have. But I did get this one email from a nice gentleman…’
Flossie: ‘What did he say?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well, he was from Nigeria and he didn’t seem too interested in dating Penny from what I could tell, but he was very keen to sell me some of his extra-long, extra hot Hungarian sausage’
Flossie *crying with laughter*: ‘Was he now?*
Mother Dearest: ‘It certainly seemed so, funny you know, I didn’t realise they sold Hungarian sausage in Africa’
Flossie: ‘Oh no, I’ve heard it’s really quite big there…’ 
 

8:32pm – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Ah the awkward moment where you’re dressed in your bodysuit and ready to go to netball and you realise you still have to shave your armpits but you’ve already taped 8 of your fingers and therefore you have to wet, moisturise, soap up and shave with two fingers… Classy, dexterous and about how well my evening is going… 


Wednesday 18th September 


12:34pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Rox, I’ve been stuck in essay hell, what happened with you and Mr. Beardy on Friday night?’
Roxie: ‘Well, after Snicks and I tracked him down (where did you disappear to by the way?), I went over and said hello’
Penny: ‘You went and said hello!?’
Roxie: ‘Yep… Hello. That was all I said. And then I just stood there’
Penny: ‘Well… that’s better than saying nothing at all I suppose. What did Mr. Beardy do?’
Roxie: ‘He smiled, took my phone out of my hand. Fiddled with it for a minute. Gave it back, gave me a kiss on the lips. Smiled and walked off’ 
Penny: ‘And then?’
Roxie: ‘And then Snicks and I drank our body weight in tequila’
Penny: ‘That was it?’
Roxie: ‘Not exactly… I got a message from an unknown number on Sunday night… with this picture…’ 

Penny: ‘*fans self* Oh my…’ 


5:13pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message 
Charlie: ‘Did you see that Abbott has made himself the Minister for Women’s Affairs? An obvious choice after his dedication to the cause in naming his lopsided Cabinet…’
Penny: ‘Shit a brick. Let me guess, every university degree now comes with a lipstick, apron and chastity belt?’
Charlie: ‘Precisely’
Penny: ‘On the upside, I am now going to enjoy addressing all of my future enquiries about the GST on feminine hygiene products directly to the man himself. I am still keen to know exactly how they are not ‘necessary’ items’ 
Charlie: ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman (in heels wearing lippy) unfairly taxed’


6:33pm – Dinner, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie: ‘Any further news on the personal ad front Mum? Any offers from men with large bratwursts in Hungary?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well, now that you mention it Flossie, I have spoken to a nice young man named Vincent today. He seems quite lovely and very interested in Penny’ 
Flossie: ‘So you think romance could be on the cards then Mum?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well, I’m not sure about romance, but I have booked them in for dinner on Friday night at 7pm’ 
Penny *choking*: ‘What?’
Mother Dearest *beaming*: ‘Yes Penny, this Friday night at 7pm at Matteo’s on Brunswick St. I’ve found you a man, a restaurant and a date’
Penny: ‘Jesus H. Christ!’