Penny Pinkerton Goes in Blind

Chapter 9 


Thursday 19th September 

7:11am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Mother Dearest to Flossie outside my bedroom door: ‘I think Penny is disappointed you’re staying home, I think she wanted to have a man over”

The Mads are going away for a week & Mother Dearest has been preparing...
I’m not entirely sure who she is preparing for with these kinds of ideas, but she lives in hope. 

10:02am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Mitch: I’m sitting in the park in Launceston watching two monkeys going at it. It’s giving me ideas…’ 

Penny: ‘Mitch, leave the monkeys alone’



1:57pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 


via Email 
The President: ‘Hi Penny, I’m emailing to advise you of what is required for the after-match proceedings on Sunday. I will be expecting the bar to be fully stocked, and food to be provided for all guests. I don’t want to be seen to be providing poor service and poor quality food or drink, we need to have the club looking it’s best for players and families. We will need to have staff working and I expect them to be dressed in shirts and ties. I will also be bringing the Mayor and my family with me, can you please make sure we have a designated car park and table at the front of the room’ 


2:02pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘It’s two days before the grand final and the end of the season, and I just got a darling email from the President, telling me how to do my job. Very kindly advised me that I would need to order food and drink for the after-match function on Sunday’ 
Charlie: ‘Well Penny, you’ve only been ordering food and drink for the masses for the last 2 years, I’m not quite sure you’ve mastered it just yet… Besides you’re female and only really qualified for washing dishes so this must be a big step up’ 
Penny: ‘He also wants the club “looking it’s best”… not quite sure I’ve got time to slap on a new coat of paint, get rid of the mice and cats or fix the sewerage problems… let alone address the fact that the canteen building is on a 35 degree lean… They’ll be lucky if I serve them up cooked dim sims at this rate!’ 
Charlie: ’35 degree lean you say? Perhaps you should start selling tickets; the Circus of the Leaning Canteen has a definite ring to it!’ 


2:12pm – Still sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message 
Mitch: ‘Perhaps I can set the monkeys free…’  
Penny: ‘Are you still in the park?!’
Mitch: ‘Yeh, it’s like I’m homeless. But dressed nice *winks*’


7:13pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad 

Mother Dearest: ‘Now Penny, I’ve started looking at flights to Sydney’ 
Penny: ‘Sydney? I thought you were going to Blairgowrie for your holiday?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Don’t be silly, I’m not talking about this weekend, I’m talking about October 3rd, you know, when Prince Harry arrives’ 
Penny *head in hands*: ‘Of course you are…’ 


11:21pm – Sitting next to the desk in the Lands of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just discovered I have a 1250 word text response due tomorrow at 9am’
Charlie: ‘That’s handy. I’m assuming this discovery means you haven’t started and that sleep tonight is now an optional extra?’
Penny: ‘You would be correct on both counts. Good grief’


Friday 20th September 




9:09am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

The holiday preparations continue… 

Mother Dearest walks past carrying her bed sheets: ‘I’m just washing our bed sheets...’
Penny: *raises eyebrow*
Mother Dearest: ‘You know, in case you have friends over who need to stay’


9:32am – Oval at the Learning Centre of Bob 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Dressed in “all green trackpant/jacket & any clothes I could find on my floor” ensemble, ugg boots, sunglasses, unshowered, panda eyes, on 4 hours sleep...BUT! Have managed to polish off a superfoods brekkie, remember to wear a bra AND turn up at the crack of 9.30am to watch Bob in his school footy final, on time!’
Flossie: ‘I’m sure Bob is appreciating having a sister that makes all the other boys jealous…’
Penny: ‘Once again, Sister of the Year is just a formality for this travelling gherkin’ 


1:21pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘I forgot to remind you this morning; you have that date with that nice man I found for you online tonight, at 7pm’
Penny: ‘I thought you were kidding…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Of course not! I worked very hard to find a good match for you, why would I be kidding?’
Penny: ‘Wishful thinking… I was planning on a date with my pillow’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘I’ve made the booking for 7pm at Matteo’s as discussed, under his name’ 
Penny: ‘And what exactly dear Mother, is his name?’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Eugene. He sounds rather nice’ 


4:12pm – Sitting in the Canteen of Rodent Invasions 

Currently sitting in the canteen surrounded by 15kgs of gourmet sausage, 32 slabs of beer and a trail of mice poo. I’ve got a boss who comes from the Tony Abbott school of thought on ‘opportunities for women’ and a blind date that my mother arranged tonight with a man named Eugene.

Note to self 

In depth knowledge of the stroke techniques of Post-Impressionism is currently not improving job prospects, living by feminist ideals or the quality of life experiences.


6:13pm – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
JB Schitz: ‘Keen bean for a pool sesh in the morning?’
Penny: ‘Alas, I am not sure I’ll be functioning tomorrow morning. I’ve had 4 hours sleep, handed in an assignment today, cheered a team of 12 year olds to victory, unpacked 32 slabs of grog and am now going on a blind date with a man my mother found on the internet whose name is Eugene. I think I will be hiding tomorrow morning’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Jesus woman. What are you wearing for this date?’
Penny: ‘A bucketload of concealer and a fragrance called Eau de NoThanks’ 
JB Schitz: ‘You owe me a sesh & a debrief Sunday’
Penny: ‘If I live that long, you’re on’ 


Saturday 21st September


7:09am – Hallway, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

The Mads are at the point of departure…

Mother Dearest surveys her room: ‘I hope that’s ok Penny, it looks pretty tidy’
Penny *half asleep*: ‘Uh, I don’t think it’s a problem Mother Dearest, no one will be in there’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh I just thought if you wanted to sleep in a big bed you could’
Penny *yawning*: ‘In which case I wouldn’t be so worried about the mess would I Mother Dearest? Or the dirty sheets?’
Mother Dearest *flustered*: ‘Oh, um, uh...’

Another day, another Mother Dearest tries to organize my ‘after hours activities’ moment…


11:01am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘So how did the big date go last night? Did you have anything in common?’
Penny: ‘Yep, we both spent most of the night feeling awkward…’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh dear… were there ANY sparks?’
Penny: ‘There were sparks, in particular the ones on his cuff when he leant over the candle to reach for the wine and his sleeve caught on fire’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh my, tell me that wasn’t the highlight…
Penny: ‘Oh no, the highlight was probably when Mother Dearest walked past the window, three times on her way to “get an ice-cream”…’
Charlie: ‘Oh my…’ 

 
12:03pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Phone Call
Mother Dearest: ‘I'm just ringing to let you know we arrived safely.'
Penny: 'Thanks Mum, I'll sleep better now knowing you are terrorising the single folk of Blairgowrie this week...' 
Mother Dearest: 'So, how did last night go? Did you have a good time?’
Penny: ‘Not sure why you’re asking Mum, you walked past enough times to be able to give a three page report yourself!’
Mother Dearest: ‘Your father and I felt like an ice-cream, that’s all!’
Penny: ‘Interesting considering I didn’t actually see you with one, at any time you walked past…’
Mother Dearest: ‘We just wanted to make sure you were safe!’
Penny: ‘You might have considered that before you advertised me for sale on an internet dating site and set me up with a complete stranger…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh well, he looked nice enough! What did you think?’  
Penny: ‘Mum, you forget that I work with footballers. I’m not facetious, but when it comes to men I have a certain level of voyeuristic expectation’
Mother Dearest: ‘I really have no idea what you are on about Penny!’ 
Penny: ‘Well, I like men who have muscles under their shirts, and not just for dinner at a seafood restaurant on a Friday…’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Honestly, sometimes I wonder where you came from!’ 
Penny: ‘So do I, now go and enjoy your holiday and don't worry about me, I’ll still be single when you get back’ 


3:32pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny again

via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘Girls. I need a translation’ 
Snicks: ‘I only speak English and basic French’ 
Penny: ‘I only speak English, dirty German and Bogan. How can we help?’
Roxie: ‘I just got this message from that unknown number…

Penny: ‘Mr. Beardy rides again!’ 
Roxie: ‘Followed by “I’ll be waiting tonight, 9pm, Down on The Corner”’
Snicks: ‘Did he leave some GPS co-ordinates?’
Roxie: ‘That was all I got… I’m so confused…’
Penny: ‘I’ve put my “Miss Marple thinking cap on”… could he mean The Corner Hotel? Who is playing tonight? You know he likes music…’
Roxie: ‘I just checked… The Beards are playing…’
Snicks: ‘To The Corner we go!’ 


5:46pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie: ‘Hey Penny, I forgot to ask, how did it go with Eugene last night? Will you be using those clean sheets tonight?’ *winks* 
Penny: ‘Perhaps as a disguise when I got out in public…’
Flossie: ‘Oh… so Mum wasn’t as good at matchmaking as she thought…?’
Penny: ‘Let’s put it this way, her matchmaking skills are about as good as her stalking skills. She’s as refined as raw sugar and subtle as a sledgehammer…’ 


8:57pm – Standing on the corner at The Corner 

Roxie: ‘What if he’s not here? What if we’ve just come and he won’t turn up? How will I know where to find him? How will I find him?!’ 
Penny: ‘Well you usually find him by hiding behind something… ferns, King Kong cut-outs etc, so why don’t you just go and stand behind that street lamp…’ 
Roxie: ‘I can’t believe I’m actually considering that…’
Penny: ‘You know you want to…’ 


9:44pm – At the fountain of alcoholic elixir, The Corner

Snicks: ‘Have you seen Roxie?’
Penny: ‘Not since Mr. Beardy slid his arm around her waist and his tongue down her throat under the street lamp outside…’ 
Snicks: ‘Naw, young love, it’s so cute’
Penny: ‘And beardy, it’s so very beardy’ 


10:56pm – On the boogiefloor, The Corner 

Snicks: ‘Hey, is that Roxie walking towards us?’
Penny: ‘Yeh, but where’s Mr. Beardy?’
Roxie *breathless*: ‘Hey guys’ *grins* 
Penny: ‘Hey smiley, what happened to Mr. Beardy?’ 
Roxie *closes eyes and holds hands clasped together to chest*
Snicks: ‘She looks wistful and romantic’ 
Penny: ‘Either that or she’s got wind…’ 
Roxie: ‘Well, after we kissed under the street lamp, we kissed for a bit more, listened to The Beards set and then he whispered “Sweet nothing, sweet nothing, sweet nothing” in my ear, smiled, pecked me on the cheek and walked off into the night!’ 
Snicks: ‘Wait, did you even come inside?’ 
Roxie: ‘No, we just listened outside’
Penny: ‘And then he walked off into the night eh? That’s a new euphemism for he walked off to take a leak in the side street next Richmond Station if I ever heard one…’ 


Sunday 22nd September 


8:14am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

JB Schitz: ‘So how is being home alone going?’
Penny: ‘Well this morning I got woken up by loud thumping and Flossie screaming…Then had to leap out of bed, half asleep and get rid of the kamikaze wattle bird that had flown into our back window and killed itself before the great white hunter Buddy ate it for breakfast.
Probably not the screaming and thumping Mother Dearest had in mind for a Sunday morning when she changed those bedsheets...’
JB Schitz: ‘Unless the “bird” was named Eugene, probably not… Speaking of Eugene, how did that go?’
Penny: ‘Well the highlights of the night included him setting his shirt on fire, me throwing my glass of water over him and Mother Dearest walking past the window of the restaurant three times, but beyond that, I’d say it went as well as the last time I saw Mr. Vanilla’ 
JB Schitz *giggles*: ‘Well, I suppose at least this time the bloke in question did actually kind of need saving’


3:11pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

Goldie: ‘So boss, what’s the go for this arvo, I mean how does this whole after match function thing work?’ 
Penny: ‘Which version would you like Goldie? The President’s version or mine?’
Goldie: ‘What’s the difference?’
Penny: ‘Well in short, one is called “Delusion” and the other is called “Reality”…’ 
Goldie *confused look*: ‘You better explain both…’ 
Penny: ‘Well according to the President, all of the players and their families are going to return to the rooms after the Grand Final, and regardless of whether they have won or lost after a season of blood, sweat and tears, they are going to sit around at tables and have a few civilized drinks whilst they listen to him crap on about how wonderful he is and what a good job he has done leading the club’
Goldie: ‘Right, that seems unlikely… what is the other version?’
Penny: ‘What will actually happen very shortly, is thirty odd semi drunk footballers will walk through that door, several of whom will already have consumed six to seven drinks, stumble towards chairs and the bar and sit down and talk whilst they devour the food put in front of them for about two hours’
Goldie: ‘Well that sounds kind of similar?’
Penny: ‘Let me finish, after about two hours several of them will get up and start walking around, a few more will start dancing on the bar and random pieces of clothing will start to go missing or have drinks spilt on them. The music will escalate, clapping games so intense that they break tables will begin and half of the team will disappear downstairs into the rooms to run around semi-naked with brooms and rakes and vacuum cleaners and bang on lockers and spray the roof with red vodka cruisers’ 
Goldie: ‘And the President?’
Penny: ‘Oh by this stage he will have left us here to look after the boys by ourselves’ 
Goldie: ‘And when does it all finish?’
Penny: ‘Well, we might manage to ferry a few of the more sober ones out by 1 or 2am, the drunker ones will fall asleep in the showers or on the rub down tables or on the oval, and the rest I might drive home’ 
Goldie: ‘And how do you know this is what will actually happen without knowing if they’ve won or lost?’  
Penny: ‘Because darling, I am a wise woman of the forest. Besides, everyone knows the only difference between winning and losing is the first two beers. After that it’s just a shit fight’ 


9:21pm – In the Office of Hell and Drunken Shenanigans

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I have finally found a use for all of that useless maths I did at high school!’ 
Chloe-Lee: ‘It was bound to happen eventually! What happened?’
Penny: ‘I’ve just used it to calculate exactly how much rum I will need to make 20 litres of cocktails!’ 
Chloe-Lee: ‘Oh Sister Meg will be so proud of you for that one!’ 


Monday 23rd September 


1:43am – Sitting on the floor in the Office of Hell and Drunken Footballers

Goldie *wide eyed*: ‘Wow’  
Penny *grinning*: ‘You alright there Goldie?’
Goldie: ‘Wow’ 
Penny: ‘Don’t worry, the mental images fade eventually’ 
Goldie: ‘I may never be able to look at household items in the same way, ever again’ 
Penny: ‘Or the features such as dual head action on vacuum cleaners in quite the same way either I dare say…’ 


8:22am – Standing in the Office of Hell and Drunken Footballers

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Rolled into work and just completed the body count. I’ve got two asleep on the oval, one passed out in the showers, two curled up like spoons together under my desk and three dressed like Power Rangers sitting on top of the interchange box drinking beer’ 
Goldie: ‘Are the spooners under your desk fond of vacuum cleaners?’
Penny: ‘Interestingly, yes, yes they are’
Goldie: ‘Oh my’ 


7:34pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message

Penny: ‘Trying to be a superfoods ninja whilst home alone. Decided to be super healthy and make super kale chips. Super burnt the ass off them. Super grown up fail’ 
JJ: ‘Don’t worry, if it makes you feel any better I got distracted having sex last week and burnt my super nutty granola’
Penny: ‘Focusing on the wrong super nuts were we JJ?’ 


Tuesday 24th September 


1:13pm – Standing in the rooms of sweat and mud 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’ve got to hand it to them, they could have potential careers as artists these boys!’
Roxie: ‘Why is that?’ 
Penny: ‘Well I’ve just come down to the change rooms and looked up at the roof to see what they did to it on Sunday night…’
Roxie: ‘And?’
Penny: ‘Pro Hart would be proud. It’s like the red vodka cruiser version of the shower scene from Psycho…’ 


5:42pm – In the land of the intellectuals

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘You know how they say attending university gives you a great deal of understanding? They weren’t wrong, I now know how so many people end up in mental asylums and on suicide watch’
Fletch: ‘I didn’t realize you were doing a health component in your degree…?’
Penny: ‘I’m not, I’ve just sat through a 43 minute presentation on incontinence pads from a mature age student’
Fletch: ‘You are wise beyond your years Penny Pinkerton. It’s endearing’ 
Penny: ‘And here I was thinking you liked me for my good looks and snappy witticisms!’ 

8:05pm – In the land of skirts, bibs and sweaty lycra bodysuits

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Rolled up early to netball, remembered to shave my armpits, feed myself dinner, pack fingernail tape and wear the correct uniform…’
Flossie: ‘#winning’ 
Penny: ‘Well I was until I realized I forgot to bring my runners’ 


Wednesday 25th September


11:23am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

The President: ‘Morning Penny’
Penny: ‘Good Morning’ 
The President: ‘What is that pile of clothes behind your desk?’
Penny: ‘Oh just bits and bobs the boys left with me over the weekend and during their celebrations, I will be returning it to them over the week’ 
The President: ‘I see, now can you explain to me exactly what happened to the vacuum cleaner?’
Penny *wide eyed*: ‘The vacuum cleaner?’ *shakes head* ‘I have no idea at all…’ 

11:27am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘The President just came in and asked me if I knew what happened to the vacuum cleaner’ 
Roxie: ‘Oh Lord, what did you do!?’
Penny: ‘Kept a very innocent and blank face, told him I had no idea’ 
Roxie: ‘Those boys owe you! You are too good to them’ 
Penny: ‘Indeed’
Roxie: ‘Speaking of which, what exactly did happen to the vacuum cleaner?’
Penny: ‘You don’t want to know…’ 


5:33pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘How is it going at home? Any news?’
Penny: ‘If by news you mean, have I used the clean sheets with anyone of the male variety? Then no, no I haven’t’
Mother Dearest: ‘That’s not what I was asking Penny!’ 
Penny: ‘Oh, were you asking if Prince Harry had turned up to marry me? Well, in that case, sadly no to that one as well’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Honestly, I don’t know how we’re related sometimes. Now are you free next Wednesday and Thursday?’
Penny: ‘I’m afraid to say yes… why?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well, I have some very exciting news! I’ve just booked tickets for us!’
Penny: ‘Tickets to what?’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Sydney! Prince Harry here we come!’ 
Penny: ‘Oh Good Lord…’