Penny Pinkerton Goes to the Circus

Chapter 5

Thursday 22nd August 
 

6:44am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

I’ve just woken up to Bob playing the harmonica. 
Either that or there is a flock of geese mating in the next room...

10:12am – In the Office of Hell

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘I have just walked in to find the old people who use the social rooms cutting each other’s hair in the kitchen’
Snicks: ‘And you thought you had problems with half-cooked dim sims’
Penny: ‘I swear this place is a cross between a kindergarten and a lunatic asylum’

 
3:20pm – In the canteen of suspected rodent invasions

via Text Message 

Penny: ‘So, this is what I find myself doing this afternoon… you still keen for that
date?’
Penny: 'And yes, that is a garbage bag I am wearing...'
Mitch: ‘I am partial to a girl who likes to get down and dirty’
Penny: ‘You are unbelievable’ 
 

Friday 23rd August 
 

9:03am – In the Office of Hell 

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘I’m looking for a word that describes progress and digression at the same time’
Snicks: ‘This from the woman who is allergic to adjectives? Surely you’ve already got a word in your voluminous vocabulary’
Penny: ‘Well I do, but I’m not sure it’s entirely appropriate…’
Snicks: ‘What do you need this word for anyway? How exactly does one have progress and digression at the same time?’
Penny: ‘By working in my office. Where the rampant rodent problem has finally
abated…’
Snicks: ‘Wooohooo! You must be thrilled!’
Penny: ‘I’d probably be more thrilled if the reason it has abated wasn’t the three stray cats I found sleeping in my storeroom this morning’
Snicks: ‘IN your storeroom?’
Penny: ‘Yes, one that now smells like the fragrant wafts of cat pee’
Snicks: ‘Your office is a bloody circus’
Penny: ‘Hmm… sadly I can’t figure out if I’m the Ringleader or the Head Clown…’

 
4:56pm – In the land of retirees and kebab stores 

Just when I thought I'd finally conquered the weekly shopping without incident...
Nipped into Safeway on the way to the pool to pick up an ingredient for a new recipe I'm trying, standing in front of the 'replacement' sugars section, looking for Stevia when I hear...

Middle Age Bogan Man: 'Hey love, do you take this stuff'
Penny *turns around and spots him holding Equal*: 'Oh god no'
MABM: *points to the Stevia*: "But you're holding it, I thought because you were here you did, I'm trying to cut back on the sugar you see'
Penny *raises eyebrows*: 'Uh well Stevia and Equal are two completely and very different things...'
MABM *looks confused*
Penny: 'Stevia is natural and derived from plant leaves... Equal is...an artificial sweetener containing aspartame, maltodextrin & other bad stuff...'
MABM *looks even more confused*: 'You see this bloke at work is trying to cut back on his sugars and he suggested this *waves Equal* because I am too'
Penny *smiles politely*
MABM *gives me the once over & picks up the Stevia*: 'Well if you take it, it must be good' *smiles, winks and walks away* 

Good grief. Did that just happen?

 
7:02pm – In the contamination area 
 
via Text Message
Penny: ‘Have you found me a 6-8 year old child yet?
Snicks: ‘Ah, back at the pool again I see’
Penny: ‘Another night at the pool. Another session of Mr Vanilla teaches the little kiddies backstroke’
Snicks: ‘Another episode of Penny entertains the locals with her best impression of a dishwasher as she paddles into things whilst drooling over Mr Vanilla…The pool will start asking you to do his ‘teaching appraisals’ soon you pay so much attention to him!’
Penny: ‘Stroke work – 10, Teaching voice – 10 (& might I add, very soothing), Building confidence in the kids – 10, Appealing to the parents (& everyone else nearby) – 10, Overall – 10’
Snicks: ‘Stroke work – 10… you wish  *giggles*’
Penny: ‘In other news, I may not be able to walk tomorrow, as I did 73 minutes of
rehab’
Snicks: ’73? Don’t you usually do 30?!’ 
Penny: ‘Well yes, but I hadn’t shaved my legs so I didn’t want to get out of the pool until Mr Vanilla had vacated the area! And that took a while…’
Snicks: ‘You know, sometimes you should listen to your Mother…’
Penny: ‘Please. Don’t remind me.’ 
 

Saturday 24th August
 

8:03am – Lying in the Castle of  Penny


via Text Message
Penny: ‘Woke up feeling like I’d ridden a horse’
Snicks: ‘Ahhh the awfully long Mr Vanilla induced rehab session! At least you know why this time’
Penny: ‘Yes. Although I would prefer it if he had been personally involved in creating these aching loins’
Snicks: ‘Now now Penny, where’s your sense of fun?’
Penny: ‘On a tropical holiday with my sense of flexibility’ 

 
10:04am – In the Office of Hell 
 
via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘I’ve got the boys in today doing a day long first aid course… I’m fairly sure I’ve seen at least four different things done to a first aid mannequin that no one should ever see, let alone before 10am’
Roxie: ‘Learn anything new?’
Penny: ‘Well, nothing that can be applied as ‘first aid’… but yes, I suppose I did’
Roxie: ‘Well, as you say, you are all about the learning there aren’t you?’
Penny: ‘Oh I do love it when my own wisdomosity comes back to bite me on the ass’ 
 
 
2:22pm – In the Office of Hell

Sitting quietly in my office, enjoying the serenity whilst listening to the stray cats maul each other in the roof above me…

Goldie: ‘Hey Penny? You might want to come and see this…’
Penny: ‘Goldie, unless it is a 6’4, bronzed, muscled, Adonis who wants to whisk me away to a secluded Greek Island for the rest of my days, I’m not sure I
will…’
Goldie *raises eyebrows*: ‘Really? I didn’t pick you for the Greek Adonis type?’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘Sarcasm darling, its sarcasm. Quite frankly these days my type is anything with legs that’s of the legal age. Now, what might I want to come and  see?’
Goldie *mouth gaping*: ‘Uh, well, I just uh, right um. I just walked in and noticed the First Aid instructor is having a bit of trouble controlling the boys’
Penny: ‘The section on creating a tourniquet is always a bit boring’
Goldie: ‘Oh, I don’t think it’s the content of the course that’s the problem…’
Penny *walking out of the office*: ‘What could possibly be worse than
tourniquets...?’


3:19pm – Lying under the desk in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘I just went outside to check on the boys and found 15 of them plastered up against the windows, not paying a word of attention to the First Aid instructor’
Roxie: ‘Really? What was outside that was more exciting than their mannequins?’
Penny: ‘A pair of the female spectators who decided that they were in desperate need of playing tonsil hockey, together, right outside the window, for a good 10
minutes.’
Roxie: ‘If only sport inspired the same amount of urgency and enthusiasm for public displays of affection in half of the men we know…’
Penny: ‘Well if they were anything like these girls, we’d need to be on constant alert because this was so urgent it was clearly a matter of life and death. They were stuck to each other for so long I thought they were going to pass out from
suffocation’
Roxie: ‘How exactly did you stop the boys from running to their aid and offering their new first aid skills’
Penny: ‘I locked them in. And hid the key in my bra. It was the only way’
Roxie: ‘Half disappointed they didn’t go down you bra hunting for it’
Penny: ‘Don’t worry. So was I’ 
 

7:11pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook messenger
Snicks: ‘Are we still going out tonight?’
Roxie: ‘Yes yes, I believe we are… I think Penny is feeling like she might want to try out some of the new moves she learnt today?’
Penny: ‘The only move I’m feeling like I want to try is the one that involves me hugging a bottle of vodka. Tightly’
Roxie: ‘Really Penny? You didn’t learn anything useful from the First Aid course?’
Penny: ‘Only that when it comes to getting the boys attention - Keys down tops = 0. Tongues down throats = 1000’
Snicks: ‘That is excellent advice’ 
Penny: ‘What’s the forecast for tonight ladies?’
Roxie:  ‘I’m thinking this…

Penny: ‘Magnificent’ 
 
 
Sunday 25th August 
 
 
12:21pm – Back in the Canteen of the suspected rodent invasions

via Text Message
Roxie: ‘What happened last night? And why do I have scratches on my knees & this torn up raffle ticket tucked down my bra?’

Penny: ‘Well, in an effort that Snicks & I would like call, ‘Doing a Penny’, we left the rooms and locked up but then you needed to go back inside to the toilet so you climbed over the wire fence in your dress and landed in the shrubbery before marching off to the toilets, which turned out to be locked so you had to go to the toilet in the shrubbery anyway’
Roxie: ‘Undoubtedly one of my finer moments…’
Penny: ‘The dress vs the fence certainly provided several inspirational moments of flexibility and imagination…’
Roxie: ‘So where did the raffle ticket come from?’
Penny: ‘Ah well, after you climbed back over we then tried to get a taxi but to no avail, so we walked to the pub on the corner, where you met a handsome bearded young gentlemen and disappeared to the dancefloor for a while’
Roxie: ‘That still doesn’t explain the ticket…’
Penny: ‘Ah that was the best part. Eventually you wandered back over with Mr Beardy and then he gave you that raffle ticket and said “Here’s my number” before winking and walking off’ 
Roxie: ‘Right so the letter of the night was S for Shrubbery & Stupidity, the number was 9 and the word of the night was Tequila…’
Penny: ‘Exactly. I believe congratulations are in order. You’ve just starred in your very own episode of Sesame Street!’ 
 
 
12:42pm – Still in the Canteen of the suspected rodent invasion

via Text Message
Roxie: ‘I forgot to ask, how did you end up?’
Penny: ‘Well my night was far less eventful but my relationship with the vodka bottle was far more involved. And I was at work at 7:45am this morning because we’ve got junior grand finals all day. It’s not even 1pm and I’ve already fried 55kg of chips, I’m covered from head to toe in oil splatters and salt. I’ve got three burns from the Bain Marie on my arm. I’ve run out of Killer Pythons and Musk Sticks and I’m fairly sure everyone thinks I’ve wet my pants because I’ve assumed ‘horse riding stance’ to alleviate my aching groins. Oh, and I smell like my perfume is Vodka Cruiser. There is very little chance I am actually sober’
Roxie: ‘You are an inspiration’ 
Penny: ‘I am an idiot’


10:12pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

I’ve had two showers but every time I lift my arms wafts of deep fryer come out. It’s like my underarms are sponsored by McDonalds. 

Note to Self

Ability to name all 50 States of America in under 3 minutes is currently not improving job prospects, the quality of life experience or personal body odours. 

 
Monday 26th August


10:33am – In the Office of Hell & Caterwauling 

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘The President just walked into the office and found me doing the dishes’
Charlie: ‘And what did he say?’
Penny: ‘Oh he commended me and told me I’d make someone a good housewife one day…’
Charlie: ‘Oh dear… and what did YOU say?’
Penny: ‘Oh I just turned around, smiled politely and said, “No, I’ll make enough money to pay someone to be my housewife and do my dishes for me” and then turned back to scrubbing the plates… somewhat violently’
Charlie: ‘And how did he respond…’
Penny: ‘With an excellent impersonation of a codfish’
Charlie: ‘And how clean are those plates you were scrubbing’
Penny: ‘So bloody clean I almost took the pattern off them’


4:59pm – Walking the streets of the Northern Suburbs dressed like a ninja 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Currently walking along with a numb face & no feeling in my feet into a bitter headwind and a bloke in a convertible Astra just drove past, with the top down.
A. For starters, it's a convertible Astra mate, not a Maserati 
B. It's Spring St, Reservoir, not Beach Rd, Brighton
And C. It's friggin overcast, 12 degrees and the middle of bloody winter you pretentious imbecilic tosspot.'
Chloe-Lee: ‘A convertible Astra… that’s not cool, even in the Northern Suburbs’
Penny: ‘It’s not cool, anywhere on planet Earth!’

 
6:13pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 
 
Mother Dearest: ‘Why have you started baking all of the time?’
Penny: ‘I have nothing to do, I'm bored’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well why don't you... read a book, clean the house, do some knitting, GET A BOYFRIEND, go to the movies, go out’
Penny: ‘Gee well done Mum, subtly slipped it in quietly at No. 4 there eh?  Smooth...’

 
Tuesday 27th August 
 
 
11:11am – In the Office of Hell & Clean Dishes 

via Facebook messenger 
Roxie: ‘I’m printing photos off from last Saturday night’
Penny: ‘Really? Are there any worth printing?’
Roxie: ‘Probably not, but I’m printing them off in the hope that if I look at them long enough, I might actually start to remember the night!’

 
12:01pm – Still in the Office of Hell & Clean Dishes

via Facebook messenger
Roxie: ‘Looking through all the photos now…’
Penny: ‘Did you find Big Bird or Oscar?’
Roxie: ‘Sadly not, but I have found Mr Beardy. And I’ve remembered why I found him so attractive!’
Penny: ‘Success! Do tell…’ 
Roxie: ‘He drives a ute!’ 
Penny: ‘*grins* Ah Roxie, you can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl! Don't tell me he was wearing a flannel shirt too…?’


9:14pm – Sitting next to the desk I can’t find in the Lands of Penny


via Text Message 
Penny: ‘Just putting a group project on Pixar together for uni. I had a meeting with them this afternoon and one group member assured me he had 'proofread' his section. Upon reading it tonight I find that he has spelt 'AND' incorrectly...’
Charlie: ‘Ah group work, an exercise in diplomacy and large amounts of vodka’
Penny: ‘Indeed. As I continue to read his part and my will to live ebbs away, I am heartened at least by the grammatical error that says employees 'should have guts to take head on'’
Charlie: ‘I have no doubt Pixar's largely male workforce would be glad to comply...’
Penny: ‘Well they are an innovative workplace after all!’ 

 
Wednesday 28th August

 
8:12am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad  

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘So Bob’s harmonica playing is really progressing…’
Flossie: ‘Really?’
Penny: ‘Yep! Apparently he’s just played three different songs to me...’
Flossie: ‘What were they?’
Penny: ‘Can’t be entirely sure… when I closed my eyes to listen all I could picture was two donkey’s going at it in a farmyard…’
Flossie: ‘And when you opened your eyes?’
Penny: ‘All I could see was a tomato faced Bob looking like he had a fairly decent case of constipation…’
Flossie: ‘The musical talent in our family is just astounding, simply astounding’.  


5:34pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 
 
Sitting quietly reading the days paper and finally enjoying the lack of aching in my loins now that it is has been a good five days... 

Mother Dearest *sitting down at the computer*: ‘Now Flossie, we’re doing this project on the African jungle at school, and I thought I’d find some animal poems for the children. How do I do that?’
Flossie: ‘Just go into Google, and search for the specific animal you want poems
about’
3 minutes later
Mother Dearest *screeches*: 'OMG!!!!! Flossie! I've just googled Elephant porn! Quick! Someone make it stop!!!' *hands fly up over her eyes*
Flossie: ‘WHAT?!’
Mother Dearest *screaming and waving her arms about*: ‘OMG OMG OMG OMG!! There are photos coming up! OMG! Elephant porn! Oh no! What have I done?!’