Penny Pinkerton the Princess

Chapter 15 


Thursday 31st October 

6:39am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Just rolled over and spotted a roll of dental floss sitting in the bottom of my wardrobe. Suspicions that my shoes have better dental hygiene than me, now confirmed. 


6:42am – Still lying in the Castle of Penny 

Alternately, could belong to resident vampire, in which case, I feel much better about being bitten by a vampire man with such vigilant dental habits… 

10:12am –Sitting on the floor in the Canteen of Rodent Invasions

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Council delivered a list of fifteen food and safety concerns with my canteen at work. I’m confident I can fix at least 68% of them with duct tape’ 
Fletch: ‘69%? You don’t strike me as a 69% kind of girl…’ 
Penny: ‘That’s probably because I said 68 Fletch… Now I know what kind of reaction the thought of me and duct tape elicits in your mind… No 69. Chicken and Cauliflower at Win Win’s Chinese Takeaway!’
Fletch: ‘Oops…’ 
Penny: ‘Perhaps you might like to see the list of tasks before you consider a different option on the menu?’
Fletch: ‘Go on then…’ 
Penny: ‘Well this is what I’m thinking… 
- non-stick mats for tiles – could just cover the floor in duct tape, sticky side up
- caulk and seal all crevices and corners in canteen space – cover all gaps with duct tape (a shame though as I am an impressive caulker)
- clean ventilation shafts – could wrap duct tape around hands and use sticky side of duct tape to help remove the dust 
- retile the coolroom – probably not plausible to adhere the tiles with duct tape…
- reseal the coolroom – cover the gaps with duct tape (again, a waste of my considerable caulking talents)
- buy four new stainless steel benches – not sure I can make one with duct tape…
- get the canteen rewired – also probably not possible to do with duct tape
- put supporting beams in place to support the lean – could use duct tape to hold them up?
- get ventilation fans installed in cool room – might be able to pay for these with creations made from duct tape
- get the freezers resealed – easily done with duct tape (provided no one ever wants to open them again) 
- get the fridges resealed – again, classic duct tape task 
- removed the water stains from the walls – can use sticky side of duct tape to remove stains or just put duct tape over them in artistic patterns
- get the deep fryer professionally cleaned – duct tape and chip oil… perhaps not
- have an exterminator do an assessment of the space and put traps in – affix the traps in place with duct tape’
Fletch: ‘I am speechless’ 
Penny: ‘Most people usually are in the face of my sheer genius. It must be said, I am a regular whiz kid with a roll of duct tape... broken doors, windows, pie warmers, cool rooms, marquees, fridges, signs, locks.... there is no broken item I will not attempt to fix!’
Fletch: ‘Or affix…’ 


7:28pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad 

Flossie: ‘Hey Penny, give me your finger’ 
Penny *holds finger out*
Flossie *putting gel on the finger*: ‘Put this stuff on your lips’ 
Penny *puts gel on lips*: ‘Hmm, what is it? Lip gloss?’ 
Flossie *giggling*: ‘Not quite…’ 


7:29pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad

Penny *eyes widening*: ‘I can’t feel my lips!! What have you done Flossie?!’
Flossie *laughing hysterically*: ‘It’s numbing cream, for coldsores!’ 
Penny *mouth gaping*: ‘I can’t eat my dinner, I can’t feel my mouth. I was in the middle of enjoying my steak Flossie!’
Mother Dearest: ‘Now girls, can we just try to forget who we are and act normal please?’  


Friday 1st November


9:13am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling


via Phone Call
Kennedy: ‘Morning Sunshine, you still ok for seven o’clock tonight?’ 
Penny: ‘Hey you, seven is fine, are you sure it’s ok to pick me up?’ 
Kennedy: ‘Yep. Hey what is that sound? Is someone singing in the background?’
Penny: ‘The cats in the roof… And I’m not exactly sure they’re singing…’ 
Kennedy: ‘Oh’ 


9:44am – Still sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘It is a sad state of affairs when the stray cats in your roof are getting more action that you are’ 
Charlie: ‘Please Penny, you’re getting so much action I can barely keep up!’ 
Penny: ‘Didn’t your mother warn not to believe everything you read?’
Charlie: ‘Well even if that is the case, don’t you have dinner with Kennedy’s family tonight? I have a feeling there is potential for some action there’ 
Penny: ‘Pretty sure the only action will be the severe indigestion I get from trying to appear normal and appealing for an entire evening with his family!’ 


10:14am – Still sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling 

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘Morning Miss Moneypenny, how’s the weather in Melbourne today?’ 
Penny: ‘Sunny with a chance of duct tape, and a light ductily breeze blowing north to north westerly. Why do you ask?’ 
Fletch: ‘Because I arrive in two hours. Fancy a visit?’ 


10:22am – Lying under the Desk in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling Cats 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Potential just doubled.’
Charlie: ‘For action or indigestion?’
Penny: ‘Both. Apparently Fletch is down in Melbourne this weekend. Apparently Fletch’s dad owns a few racehorses. Apparently they are running on Derby Day’ 
Charlie: ‘Apparently Fletch is sounding more appealing by the minute’ 
Penny: ‘Apparently I do not love boys for their father’s horses’ 
Charlie: ‘Apparently you do love boys with well-off parents’
Penny: ‘Apparently that keeps happening without me noticing’ 
Charlie: ‘Apparently you have a situation on your hands here, the boy with the resort or the boy with the horses’ 
Penny: ‘Apparently’ 


10:46am – Still lying under the Desk in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling Cats 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘How do we feel about knee length denim shorts, frilly white socks and black runners?’ 
Penny: ‘Individually?’ 
Flossie: ‘Together’ 
Penny: ‘A look not even Elle Macpherson could pull off…’ 
Flossie: ‘Good thing she’s a cut above Elle’ 
Penny: ‘It’s Mum isn’t it? She’s wearing that in public isn’t she…? Good grief’ 


1:12pm – Bob’s School Sports Carnival, Edwardes Lake

Penny: ‘Hey little man, how’s your sports day been going? Had fun?’
Bob: ‘Hey Penny! Yeh it’s been ok’ 
Penny: ‘Just ok, what’s happened?’ 
Bob: ‘Well the sports and stuff is ok, but there was a little incident this morning with Mum’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘What exactly do you mean by an incident…’ 
Bob: ‘Perhaps you should ask Flossie, she saw it all. I have a bunch of preps to go and “motivate” so we win the “cheering” award…’ 
Penny: ‘Shame it’s not Grade 6 girls, or you’d be winning gold without trying' *winks* 


1:19pm – Bob’s School Sports Carnival, Edwardes Lake

Penny: ‘Hey Floss, how’s the day been?’
Flossie *raises eyebrows*: ‘Well apart from the re-emergence of Safety Sally, things seem to be going ok’
Penny: ‘Ah yes, Bob mentioned there was an incident… Overzealous cheering? Entered herself into the Fashions on the Field with her frilly socks? Accidentally ran on the track as she was running next to the race?’ 
Flossie: ‘More along the lines of she went to the toilets and saw a “tall, suspicious looking man with a beard loitering near the toilet, and he was walking funny”’ 
Penny: ‘Ok…’ 
Flossie: ‘So she stood there and watched him for a few minutes, then she marched over and I saw her talking to the Principal and she was standing there waving her arms around and pointing madly at the guy’ 
Penny: ‘What did she think he was doing?!’
Flossie: ‘She thought he was a child sex offender or a flasher’ 
Penny: ‘Oh god… and what did the Principal say?!’ 
Flossie: ‘That he was actually the new Grade ¾ Teacher whose just had a knee op so he was limping and on toilet duty because he can’t walk around much…’
Penny: ‘Sweet Jesus. Any chance we might be adopted?’ 


6:58pm – Hallway, Chez du Pinkerton

The doorbell rings 

Bob *running to the door*: ‘I’ll get it!’ 
Penny *muttering to self in the bedroom*: ‘Oh shit’
Father Bear *marches through the house*: ‘Bob, don’t answer the door, I’m coming’
Mother Dearest *head pops through to the doorway*: ‘Who could be visiting at this time?’
Flossie *comes bounding into the hallway*: ‘Oh who is it?’
Bob *opens the door*: ‘Hello?’ 
Kennedy *staring in at entire Pinkerton Family Mad*: ‘Uh hi, I’m Kennedy. I’m here to pick Penny up?’ 


7:09pm – Zipping along in the Kennedy Beemer 

Kennedy: ‘So, I got to meet the Pinkertons when I went to get Penny’
Angie: ‘I didn’t see you go in the house, how did you meet them all?’
Penny *exhales*: ‘My family has a habit of answering the door all together. We don’t get many visitors so when we do, they get a welcoming committee’ 
Kennedy *laughing*: ‘I didn’t see a banner?’ 
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘I’m somewhat disappointed they didn’t roll out the usual welcome. Mum didn’t faint because you were a boy asking for me for starters’ 
Kennedy: ‘Well, she has met me before…’
Penny: ‘Met/stalked you around the streets of Blairgowrie… This is true, but the rest of them also underperformed. Dad didn’t go into immediate cockblocking mode and steal you away to talk cricket for twenty minutes, Bob didn’t attempt to educate you on the intricacies of Star Wars Lego and Flossie, well, she barely got started on her Can Can routine and welcome dance spectacular before I intervened’ 
Kennedy: ‘I feel like I’ve missed out here…’ 
Penny: ‘Don’t worry, if you ever come to dinner, you won’t feel like you’ve missed anything’ 
Kennedy *smiling*: ‘I look forward to it’ 


Saturday 2nd November 


7:23am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘Your weather forecast for yesterday was surprisingly accurate. Any idea if the forecast for if I might see you while I’m down is just as good?’ 
Penny: ‘I can consult my charts’
Fletch: ‘Are you heading to Derby today?’ 
Penny: ‘Alas, I have screening day for footy today. Another day being surrounded by half naked sweating footballers awaits’ 
Fletch: ‘Perhaps you might need dinner to recuperate your strength? With someone who can string a sentence together?’ 
Penny: ‘You almost sound jealous Fletch. Dinner sounds lovely – message me details later. Then I can fill you in on every pectoral muscle I survey today’ 


8:04am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

JB Schitz: ‘No Mr Vanilla this morning… Almost feels like a waste getting up this early’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘We’re here for the exercise Schitz. The exercise and the joy of watching that man over there do calf raises in the water against the wall’
JB Schitz *turns head*: ‘What man? All I see is a gorilla humping a water jet’
Penny: ‘Somehow I don’t think wearing your glasses would improve that assessment…’ 


11:32am – Screening half naked men for Footballing ability 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I found Mr. Vanilla’
JB Schitz: ‘You went back to the pool?!’ 
Penny: ‘Not exactly…’ 


11:34am – Sitting/Hiding behind the Massage Tables whilst screening half naked men for Footballing ability
Roxie: ‘Penny? Why are you crouching behind the massage table?’ 
Penny: ‘Uh, well…’
Roxie *raises eyebrows*
Penny *smiling hopefully*: ‘I’m practicing my audition moves for the sequel to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…’ 
Roxie: ‘What is that called? Crouching Penny, Obvious Moron?’ 


11:35am – Still sitting/hiding behind the Massage Tables whilst screening half naked men for Footballing ability 

Mr Vanilla: ‘Morning, could I get a rubdown on my calf?’ 
Roxie *looking up*: ‘Sure’ 
Mr Vanilla *looking down*: ‘Oh, if you’re busy I can… oh hey! Do I know you?’ 
Penny *looking up sheepishly*: ‘Um hey. I think we’ve met at the pool’ 
Mr Vanilla *smiling*: ‘Deep water running girl! I’d recognize that groin stretch anywhere. Stretching them again hey? Must be pretty tight’ 
Penny *looking up*: ‘Just a minor overuse issue’ 


11:36am – Still sitting/hiding behind the Massage Tables whilst screening half naked men for Footballing ability

Myles *grinning*: ‘Is that you Penny Pinkerton? Down on your knees again?’ 
Mr Vanilla and Roxie *raise eyebrows*
Penny *slowly standing up*: ‘Ah, Good Morning Myles’ 


11:48am – Screening half naked men for Footballing ability 

via Text Message 
JB Schitz: ‘Penny? Where did you find Mr Vanilla?’
Penny: ‘He turned up at the screening day for Footy’
JB Schitz: ‘Magnificent, and he recognized you even though you weren't wearing your Elle cut bathers?’ 
Penny: ‘Hmm yes but I was in my groin stretch position when he saw me, so perhaps not so surprising…’ 
JB Schitz: ‘You do have to be careful where you whip that one out’ 
Penny: ‘Believe me, I remembered that vital spec of information when Myles wandered over smiling with mischief written all over his face…’ 


7:44pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘What are you up to?’ 
Penny: ‘About my elbows’ 
Fletch: ‘In?’ 
Penny: ‘A batch of chocolate buns I’m baking’
Fletch: ‘Sounds good, I’ll be there to pick up mine in half an hour’ 


8:03pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘Can you please stop sending me snapchats of every dessert you bake, I’m becoming jealous of my phone’ 
Penny: ‘Just another exciting Saturday night in the life of Penny!’ 
Charlie: ‘Not heading out?’ 
Penny: ‘Kind of had vague plans to catch up with Fletch, but he’s just messaged, clearly drunk from Derby Day, telling me he’s coming around for a chocolate bun, so that ship has clearly sailed’ 
Charlie: ‘Funny, I could have sworn that it sounded like its sailing right towards you…’ 


8:23pm – Hallway, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

The doorbell rings 

Bob *running to the door*: ‘I’ll get it!’ 
Penny *muttering to self in the kitchen*: ‘Oh shit’
Father Bear *marches through the house*: ‘Bob, don’t answer the door, I’m coming’
Mother Dearest *looking frantic*: ‘Who could be visiting at this time? What has happened! Be careful!’
Flossie *comes bounding into the hallway*: ‘Was that the doorbell?’ 
Bob *opens the door*: ‘Hello?’ 
Fletch *smiling in at entire Pinkerton Family Mad*: ‘Hey I’m Fletch. I’m here to eat Penny’s buns’ 


10:11pm – Sitting in the Lands of Penny 

Fletch: ‘I’m really sorry about before, I didn’t mean to cause a scene. I should know better than to turn up at a girls house, unannounced, in a suit, slightly inebriated, smelling distinctly of horse and tell her family I'm about to eat her buns on a Saturday night’
Penny: ‘You weren't to know that any remotely and highly accidental sexual innuendo about my cooking would cause my mother to faint. Two men in 24 hours is all a bit too much for her’ 
Fletch *raises eyebrows*: ‘Two men? Who else has been?’ 
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Oh uh, I went out to dinner with a friend and his family last night, kind of a thank you thing for some work I did for them’ 
Fletch: ‘And he came to the door to pick you up?’ 
Penny *nodding*: ‘I’ve gone from her hopeless wallflower of a daughter with no boyfriends whom she must marry off to a royal to her worrisome charlatan of a daughter with a bevy of men and no morals in a single day’ 
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘You really are quite the overachiever aren’t you?’ 
Penny *smiling*: ‘I do my best’ 


Sunday 3rd November 


8:22am – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘This is the sheepish text message I send the morning after I gatecrash some girls house, slightly inebriated and smelling of horse, proclaiming to anyone who will listen than I want to eat her buns, to say thank you and I’m sorry and thank you again. Oh and cheers for the lift back to the apartment as well. And for letting me eat your amazing buns. ’ 
Penny: ‘This sounds like a somewhat frequent occurrence Fletch. Are you regularly in pursuit of hot buns?’ 
Fletch: ‘Relentlessly. But only the chocolate kind. And only if they’re homemade by insanely good cooks. (Which in addition to all of your other talents, you also seem to be – is there anything you cannot do?!) I’m sorry again that dinner didn’t quite happen, I really had intended to take you out but once Dad’s horse won… well…’ 
Penny: ‘You make it sound like my buns weren’t enough for you…’ 
Fletch: ‘Don’t ever say that Penny, we both know I love your buns. Now and forever.’
Penny: ‘Amen’  


10:19am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’m hoping the translation of this is “To capitalize on your recent waxing appointment, Mercury has moved into your sign to ensure you are going to get lucky this week’"' 

Charlie: ‘You have clearly missed your calling as an Astrologer.’ 


5:44pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

Flossie: ‘Hold out your hand and close your eyes, I’ve got something for you’ 
Penny *closes eyes*: ‘Uh ok, gee usually when a man asks you that you have to be careful…’ 
Flossie *pours something into Penny’s hand*: ‘Right now put it in your mouth’ 
Penny: ‘Uh, when a man tells you that you DEFINITELY have to be careful!’ 
Flossie *chuckling*: 'Good to know you were paying attention to Mum at some point...' 


6:55pm – Still Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Just putting it out there... if any of the following activities guarantee exam success, I am about to ACE this Innovation exam tomorrow: shelling and eating 329 pistachios, wearing full body compression gear whilst reading notes, painting toenails, tidying sock drawer, organising email inbox, putting earrings in colour order, writing to-do lists or dusting bookshelves. If not, don't talk to me come 4:25pm tomorrow.’
Fletch: 'Full body compression gear you say... I like a woman in lycra' 


11:44pm - Lying under the Desk in the Lands of Penny

So Penny, on a scale of 1 to completely stuffed, how is your exam preparation for tomorrow going? Well, I'm sitting on Facebook... and I'm talking to myself, so I'd say that answers the question....


Monday 4th November 


6:58am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘As Movember once again threatens to make all men look like 70's porn stars for 30 days, I'm thinking us girls should boycott something ourselves... Shaving? Waxing? General personal maintenance? The options are endless!’ 
Roxie: ‘You are a woman of the people Penny Pinkerton’
Snicks: ‘Hear hear!’ 
Penny: ‘Naturally, I probably should have thought of this before my waxing appointment last week…’ 
Roxie: ‘A minor detail’ 


12:33pm – In the land of kebab stores and retirees

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I've got an exam today' hint #32: Going to Safeway and walking out with nothing you went in for, but instead a block of dark chocolate and a 600ml bottle of fabric softener...’
Charlie: ‘Whatever happens, I will always smell you’


5:26pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Mother Dearest *frantically running through the house*: ‘Quick quick, we’ve got to go down to the neighbours house, the babies are being born!’ 
Penny: ‘What babies?’ 
Father Bear: ‘The ducklings from the eggs the duck laid in her garden’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Stop talking and hurry up, quickly quickly!’ 
Penny: ‘Why are you going?’ 
Mother Dearest *waving arms frantically*: ‘Because she doesn’t know what to do!’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Well, do YOU know what to do?’ 
Mother Dearest *pauses*: ‘Well, uh… no…’ 


7:58pm – Drinking to Celebrate a Horse Race Eve, The Penny Black 

Roxie: ‘So what happened with Fletch?’ 
Penny: ‘Well he was just down because a few of his Dad’s horses were running on Derby Day’
Roxie: ‘So you ended up out at dinner with his family?’
Snicks: ‘Wait, I thought you had dinner with Kennedy and his family?’ 
Penny: ‘I had dinner with Kennedy and his family on Friday night, and then I never quite made it out to dinner with Fletch, but he unexpectedly ended up at my house eating my chocolate buns. So I had supper with Fletch on Saturday night.’  
Roxie: ‘And on the seventh day, she rested’ 
Snicks: ‘More like and on the seventh day she panicked’ 
Penny: ‘There was no time for panicking, I had a batch of buns in the oven, a slightly inebriated, incredibly cute man in a suit who smelled like horse in my kitchen and a mother who had just passed out at the sight of him on my hands. I swear God did not have this must trouble when he created shit’ 
Roxie: ‘Possibly because when he did, unlike you, he kept it to just one man?’ 


Tuesday 5th November 


11:21am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Doorbell rings

11:23am – Still Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Bedroom Door Opens

Kennedy: ‘Morning Penny’
Penny *rolls over*: ‘Kennedy?!’ 
Kennedy *chuckling*: ‘Glad to see I’m not interrupting’
Penny *sitting up*: ‘I uh, I… was just recuperating from a rather intense exam session yesterday. Putting earrings in colour order and painting your toenails can be rather tiring… As can the recovery drinking session required to re-gather ones senses afterwards’ 
Kennedy *smiling*: ‘I gathered as much, which is why I thought you could use a pre-birthday mini-break’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Do you always spring these pre-break mini-birthdays on unsuspecting girls wearing nightshirts and lying in castles’ 
Kennedy: ‘Sometimes every Princess needs a Prince to rescue her from her Castle’
Penny *mouth gaping*: ‘I see…’ 
Kennedy: ‘Now come on Princess, you’ve got half an hour to get up and pack while I go and inform your mother that I’m stealing you away.’
Penny: ‘Perhaps don’t mention that you’re not a royal… she doesn’t take too kindly to that’ 
Kennedy *walking out the door*: ‘I’m sure I can think of a royally good reason to persuade her’ 
Penny: ‘Wait a minute mister. Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you usually have to kiss the Princess in the Castle before you can rescue her?’
Kennedy *walking back in towards the Castle*: ‘Well now, surely if I kiss you like a Prince…’ 
 

Wednesday 6th November 


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