Penny Plays the Field

Chapter 13 

Thursday 17th October
 
7:12am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Just woke up and discovered a hickey on the inside of my groin…

Note to Self

Checking the bed for vampires or hidden prospective husbands is not the silliest thing you’ve thought of this week. Also. Buy some garlic. 

12:33pm – In the land of retirees and kebab stores 

via Phone Call
Flossie: ‘Are you at the supermarket?’
Penny: ‘Indeed I am, highlight of my day’
Flossie: ‘Dad’s just told me to let you know he wants pickles, can you buy him some?’
Penny: ‘He wants pickles. What kind of pickles?’
Flossie: ‘The big ones apparently, in the jar’
Penny: ‘Righto, he wants a big pickle’
Lady walking past *sigh*: ‘Don’t we all love, don’t we all’

50 Shades of Grey – Supermarket style. 


7:13pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Bob *swaggers in*: ‘So. Penny. Guess what happened on the interschool excursion today?’ 
Penny: ‘You learnt stuff?’ 
Bob *scoffing*: ‘Please. Nope not even close’ *waves a paper aeroplane around*
Penny *raises eyebrows*
Bob *smugly*: ‘It took all of three hours before the girls from the other school starting throwing paper aeroplanes at me’ 
Penny: ‘Well aren’t you the charmer…It wouldn’t be hard, your head is so big it’s hard to miss!’ 


Friday 18th October 


6:54am – Standing in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘So the tracksuit pants I got on sale the other week? The ones that match my bathers?’
JB Schitz: ‘Don’t tell me, they come in an ‘Elle’ cut too?’ 
Penny: ‘Not quite, you see I bought them for $8 and it seems now that I put them on, I have gotten my full $8 worth’
JB Schitz: ‘How so…?’
Penny: ‘Well they’re sitting awkwardly between my ankles and mid-calf. Something tells me if only I’d paid $10 they might have gone down to meet my ankles…’ 


3:33pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘I need a drink’
Snicks: ‘I need a haircut’
Penny: ‘I need a man’
Roxie: ‘Correction. You need to choose a man’ 
Snicks: ‘Shall we discuss this over drinks tonight?’ 
Penny: ‘My pub, 9pm. I’ll bring a white board for brainstorming’ 


9:34pm – Playing Would You Rather, The Penny Black 

Snicks: ‘Next question, who would you rather… A scholar or a man in uniform?’ 
Penny: ‘Oh I love men in uniform!’
Roxie: ‘What kind of uniform’
Penny: ‘Any kind of uniform. Policeman, Fireman, Football uniform, Cricket whites’
Snicks: ‘I can’t resist a boy in a suit’
Penny: ‘Oh I love boys in suits’
Roxie: ‘I do like a man with a beard’
Penny: ‘Oh bearded men! They are my weakness!’
Snicks: ‘I love tradies’
Penny: ‘Oh I love tradies’ 
Roxie *raises eyebrow*: ‘Penny… I think it’s safe to say you just like boys, yes?’
Penny *nods*: ‘Hmm yes, probably’


10:27pm – Sinking Vodkas, The Penny Black
 
Penny: ‘So how are Benjamin and Oscar?’ 
Roxie: ‘They’re good. We all went shopping at the Vic Market the other day, and he bought be a present!’
Snicks: ‘Benjamin or Oscar?’ 
Roxie *rolling eyes*: ‘Benjamin, see here’s a photo of it…

Penny: ‘It’s like one of those branding stamps they use on cattle to show ownership! You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy!’
Roxie: ‘I know, and I LOVE it!’ 


Saturday 19th October 


8:31am – Bob’s Cricket Match, The Lords of Reservoir 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I am currently scoring, holding an umbrella, holding a camera and fielding questions from ten very keen twelve year olds about the score’ 
Flossie: ‘Where are you?!’ 
Penny: ‘I’m at Bob's cricket… Just racking up the brownie points for Sister of the Year’ 
Flossie: ‘Are you dressed as a gherkin again?’ 
Penny: ‘Negative, I am dressed in very conservative clothing. I am also wearing a blanket from 1989 that I found in Nana’s car boot. And a bright purple windbreaker that I’m pretty sure Jane Fonda made fashionable in her aerobics videos around the same time’ 
Flossie: ‘I am laying in bed. Who is the idiot here’ 
Penny: ‘I may be an idiot, but I’m also winning Sister of the Year’ 


9:45am - Bob’s Cricket Match, The Lords of Reservoir 

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘Shall I pick you up at 9pm tonight?’ 
Penny: ‘Sure, if I survive this morning…’
Mitch: ‘What are you doing?’ 
Penny: ‘Scoring at Bob’s cricket match… 79 no balls and counting…’ 
Mitch: ‘I’ll buy you a double shot tonight if the books add up!’ 
Penny: ‘Get your wallet out, keeping count of balls is my speciality  my book always adds up!’ 


7:13pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Walk past Dad who is half asleep on the couch in his cricket whites… 

Penny: ‘Dad who kept in the seconds today?’
Father Bear: ‘I dont know’
Penny: ‘Dad you stood in slips for 60 bloody overs next to the keeper who was it?’
Father Bear *rubbing his eyes*: ‘Wazza...’ 
Penny:  ‘Wazza... the same Wazza who also OPENED THE BATTING IN THE THIRDS TODAY?!’
Father Bear: ‘Huh?!’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘Three beers and five hours in the sun and you make as much sense as a golliwog on speed’


10:22pm - Standing at the Bar, The Toff

Standing at the bar, minding my own business… 

Myles: ‘Well well well. Penny Pinkerton... Last time I saw you, you were…’
Penny *turns around*: ‘Fully clothed and fully operational’
Myles *chuckling*: ‘Well, fully operational is one word for it…’


10:43pm – Hiding in the toilets, The Toff 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’m out having a drink with Mitch’
Charlie: ‘What are you wearing?’ 
Penny: ‘The red dress, you know, the one that makes me look somewhat sophisticated and alluring?’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh yes, you mean the one that makes men go gaga for you. Tell me, how is that going? ’
Penny: ‘Well it was going well until Myles turned up’
Charlie: ‘And suddenly having an unknown hickey on your groin doesn’t really seem like such a stretch…’ 
Penny: ‘Shut up. I think I need another vodka. ’ 


11:21pm – Back in the toilets, The Toff 

via Text Message
Roxie: ‘Have you repaid your one drink debt to Mitch?’ 
Penny: ‘I’ve repaid many many drinks to many people’ 
Roxie: ‘Many people? I thought you were out with Mitch?’
Penny: ‘Well I was. Until Myles and the boys turned up’ 
Roxie: ‘I wonder if Myles has your piece of missing clothing with him…’  
Penny: ‘As long as he’s not wearing it. Because A. finding out if he is would be dangerous. And B. slightly disturbing…’ 


Sunday 20th October 


9:22am – Lying in the Castle of the Unknown

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I just woke up’
Charlie: ‘Me too’ 
Penny: ‘I should rephrase that. I just woke up. In a bed I don’t recognise’
Charlie: ‘Oh my…’ 
Penny: ‘I just woke up. In a bed I don’t recognize. And I’m afraid to roll over’ 
Charlie: ‘What happened last night?’ 
Penny: ‘What happened last night? Charlie. I’d be the last to know!’ 


9:41am – Still lying in the Castle of the Unknown

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘Have you rolled over yet?!’ 
Penny: ‘No… I’m laying here listening to the breathing…’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh righto Sherlock Holmes, you think you’re going to deduct who this is from their breathing pattern?!’
Penny: ‘Well so far I’ve deduced they are male’
Charlie: ‘And what gave that away…’ 
Penny: ‘It smells like Acqua Di Gio in here. And there are cricket whites on the floor’ 
Charlie: ‘I don’t know whether to be thrilled, concerned or just amused that you actually do not know whose bed you are in’ 
Penny: ‘Well at least one thing is for certain…’ 
Charlie: ‘Let me guess, no one tell your mother?’
Penny: ‘Exactly!’ 


7:23pm – Entrée, The Press Club 

Kennedy *grinning*: ‘So what did you get up to last night? I saw some photos on your Facebook, looked like a good night’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Oh… I haven’t even seen them… I went out with an old mate of mine and then I ran into some guys from footy and somewhere along the line, one vodka lime and soda turned into seven shots of black sambucca and five gin and tonics.’ 
Kennedy: ‘And does that usually end with you up on a podium/table?’ 
Penny *eyes widened*: ‘Uh… *blushes* um, recently? Yes.’


8:55pm - Main Meal, The Press Club 

Kennedy: ‘So how does it work, you working at a footy club and constantly surrounded by ripped, sweaty, athletically talented males?’ 
Penny *eyes wide open*: ‘Usually pretty well, you become immune to it soon enough. Seen one pair of rippling pecs, seen them all’
Kennedy: ‘Do you get wined and dined by the boys frequently? Surely a girl like you would have seen quite a few pecs!’ 
Penny: ‘Only in a professional capacity. It’s not quite the orgy you think it is. It’s more like having 44 little brothers who all need help with everything from completing their Tax File Declaration to snaring the girl of their dreams to finding the right cream for their chaffing’
Kennedy: ‘Chaffing?’
Penny: ‘You wouldn’t believe what I know about chaffing…’


9:56pm – Dessert, The Press Club 

Kennedy: ‘So what’s the plan?’ 
Penny: ‘Tonight?’ 
Kennedy: ‘Tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month’ 
Penny: ‘Uh… ‘
Kennedy: ‘What I mean is, I think you’re lovely. Funny, gorgeous and pretty sexy in a red dress. Is there room for me in amongst all of those other men?’
Penny *jaw dropped*: ‘I’m confident I can fit you in’ 
Kennedy: ‘Confident you can fit me in? *winks* That does sound promising…’ 


Monday 21st October 


9:03am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Email
The President: ‘Hello Penny, 
The Food Safety Inspector from the Council will be out today at 10:30am to inspect the canteen for handover. Please ensure it is clean and complies with all of the regulations. I advised him last week that it would be.’ 


9:05am – Lying under the desk in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘The President’s just advised me that he arranged last week for the Food Safety Inspector from the Council to complete the annual Food Safety report on the Canteen’
Goldie: ‘*chuckles* You’ll need about a week to clean that up & 25k to rebuild it, when is he coming, next month?’ 
Penny: ‘In 90 minutes’
Goldie: ‘Shit a brick.’


9:34am – In the canteen of suspected rodent invasions

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘Morning Miss Moneypenny, how’s the duct tape going?’
Penny: ‘Coming in handy, I’m currently lying on the floor surrounded by mouldy chips, dirt and something I’m pretty sure is mouse shit, sticking some shelves back together in the canteen’
Fletch: ‘Have you ever considered a career in Zoology?’ 
Penny: ‘It’s not a bad idea… The shit:shit ratio between that and my current job is probably comparable!’ 


9:42am – Still lying in the canteen of suspected rodent invasions

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Fletch just called me Moneypenny’
Charlie: ‘He’s using James Bond references on you?’
Penny: ‘He’s using James Bond references on me’
Charlie: ‘Tell me again, when’s the wedding? I can see it now, “They met at the Casino Royale, where he pierced her Quantum of Solace with his Moonraker and told her The World was Not Enough, and then he gave her a rock the size of Thunderball because Diamonds are Forever, and  a card signed From Russia With Love”’
Penny: ‘Sometimes I think you have too much time on your hands…’ 


10:37pm – Standing in the Canteen of Rodent Invasions 

Food Safety Inspector: ‘So Penny, as the Food Safety Supervisor, I’m just going to go through the checklist and mark the things that are not up to FSANZ standards. Before I start is there anything I should know?’ 
Penny: ‘This building is on a 35 degree lean. So the rain water leaks in down the back wall. It was built in the 1950s so whatever they used to seal it has worn off and small animals get through the holes. I have locks on everything because  in addition to the animals that sneak in to steal stuff, the locals also like to break in and steal my beer, the sophisticated cool room drainage system consists of an ice cream container and a piece of garden hose, the doors fall of the fridges if they’re opened more than halfway, they lost the funnel for the deep fryer so I clean it using straws, buckets, three rolls of paper towel and a garbage bag on my person, half of the furniture is being held together with duct tape, the dim sim steamer short circuits the entire back wall of power points and the President told me an hour and a half ago that you were coming today, so I haven’t exactly had a chance to sanitise what I’ve just cleaned.’ 
Food Safety Inspector *raises eyebrows*: ‘I see, it sounds like… a challenge?’ 
Penny: ‘It breeds things. Rodents, mould, oil spots, small flying bugs, damp, dust and insanity. Managing this space is like going to war with nature, gravity, science and the outer reaches of believability’
Food Safety Inspector *eyes widened*: ‘Right, well I think I’ll just get on with it then…’ 


6:10pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Penny: ‘Phew. It is HOT. Definitely not jumper weather’
Flossie: ‘Yes Penny it’s 30 degrees, why are you wearing a jumper?’ 
Penny: ‘Because when I got up this morning I decided it was a pink jumper day’ 
Flossie: ‘Yes but Penny the weather doesn’t turn up according to you’ 
Penny *wipes sweat from brow*: ‘I don’t bloody well know why not!’ 


7:13pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad  

Sitting around watching educational television and enduring the ad breaks with the Pinkerton Family Mad…

Advertisement: ‘Si, this is a great car. Si, this is a great house. Si, this is a great life’ 
Bob *waving arms around*: ‘Si, this is a great car, Si, this is a great house, Si! I am wonderful at speaking other languages. Si, si si si!
Penny *raises eyebrows* 
Bob: ‘Pfft, see Mum. I don’t even need to do French next year at high school, I’m already that good at it!’ 
Penny: ‘Hmm, well considering what you were just speaking was Italian, you might want to reconsider that…’ 


Tuesday 22nd October 


10:12am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘The optometrist told me this morning that he could just tell I was an exercise kind of person. Apparently I just exude fitness’ 
JB Schitz: ‘What did you tell him you did?’ 
Penny: ‘Well I told him about deep water running and he got very excited and told me he guessed I was a pool girl’ 
JB Schitz: ‘You must be looking mighty fine today Penny’ 
Penny: ‘Unlikely. I’m going to hazard guess it was either the red marks on my shoulders from the ‘Elle Cut’ bathers or perhaps the overwhelming stench of chlorine that not even three showers will remove that tipped him off…’ 


4:23pm – Customer Service Office, The Station Formerly Known as Spencer St

Penny: ‘Hi, I seem to be getting charged quite a lot on my Myki, could you let me know if there is a different way I can recharge it? Am I able to load it with Daily tickets?’
Myki Customer Service Lady: ‘I will check your card for you’ *prints off receipt*
Penny: I’m happy to recharge it, I just wanted to know if I should be doing Myki pass instead of Myki money?’
Myki Customer Service Lady: *circles several numbers on the printout* ‘Ok you need to go to 750 Collins St’
Penny: ‘Um ok, but can you tell me if I need to do something different when I recharge? Or is there a fault with my card?’
Myki Customer Service Lady: ‘There is nothing wrong with your card, you need to go to 750 Collins St
Penny *confused look*: ‘I just need to know how much I should be paying each day, do you have a pricing booklet?’
Myki Customer Service Lady: ‘I’m sorry we don’t have any of them, you’ll need to go to 750 Collins St’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘You’re customer service centre and you don’t have a pricing booklet?...’ 

I strongly suspect Customer Service is a foreign notion in the land of privatised public transport… 


7:11pm – In the Land of Intellectuals

via Text Message
Penny: ‘The lecturer has just spent 2 hours going through every one of the presentations done this term. I had forgotten how scintillating the sliced bread week was…’ 
Fletch: ‘How did your one about duct tape stack up?’ 
Penny: ‘Well let’s just say, mine was the most exciting thing since sliced bread!’ 


8:25pm – In the land of skirts, bibs and sweaty lycra bodysuits

Half Time Address

Penny: *puffing* ‘What is it Schitz? You look like you’re thinking… Got any advice for tackling that GK?’
JB Schitz: ‘Nah, I was just trying to decide if you the cut of your bodysuit is worse than your bathers…’
Penny: ‘Well if it is, it would certainly explain the awkward places I keep finding the GK’s hands’ 
JB Schitz: ‘You are irresistible in lycra!’ 


11:58pm – Sitting at the desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I just owned a really tough game of Freecell. Oh yes. The Usain Bolt of Microsoft Office Games right here ladies and gents!’ 
Fletch: ‘I fear the sliced bread has gone to your head… Go to bed Penny.’ 


Wednesday 23rd October 


9:11am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘So, I’m playing cricket near your place on Saturday, any chance you might pretend to be a WAG and come down?’
Penny: ‘As long as I only have to pretend. What are you going to do to earn my love?’  
Mitch: ‘Oh I might take a few catches for you’
Penny: ‘Well playing the field is where you do your best work’ 
Mitch: ‘Speak for yourself! Covers (under and on top of) is actually where I do my best work’ 
Penny: ‘Interesting. Fine Leg (I have two of those) is where I do mine’ 


10:12am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘Apparently the Prime Minister is in town at the moment’
Penny: ‘Well at least that explains why all of my career ambition has suddenly shriveled up and I’ve felt an unstoppable urge to put on an apron, lippy and heels and bake shit’
Charlie: ‘C’mon Penny, under your veneer of feminism we all know there’s just a 1950s housewife trying to escape!’


11:03am – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Kennedy: ‘Morning PP, what are you doing this weekend? I’m heading down to the visit the family in Sorrento, fancy a day trip, sleepover, weekend away?’
Penny: ‘I could do with a bit of beach. There is not enough beach in my life. Will you be providing beach?’
Kennedy: ‘I’ll be providing beach. It’s a two for one deal, I come included with the beach’ 
Penny: ‘This almost sounds too good to be true. But tell me, do you have a podium?’ 

8:33pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Myles: ‘Hey Penny P, can I come in on Friday to collect my jumper?’
Penny: ‘Your footy jumper?’
Myles: ‘Well that and the one I lent you on Sunday morning… *winks*’