Penny Tussles with Two Turtledoves

Chapter 21

Thursday 12th December 


7:03am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just woke up next to Santa…’ 
Charlie: ‘I have one thing to say about you. Ho Ho Ho!’ 

8:02am – Breakfast, Pinkerton Family Mad 

Penny: ‘So how’s school going Bob, you’ve nearly graduated haven’t you?’ 
Bob: ‘Yeh, I finish up next week… I’m kind of sad because I’m not going to see anyone again after this’ 
Penny: ‘Young Bob, unless you are moving to Mars, I can guarantee you will still be seeing everyone again. Even now I can’t escape people I went to Primary School with, hard as I try, I mean, look at Kennedy!’ 
Bob *crinkles forehead*: ‘Kennedy? Wait… did you go to Primary School with him?’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Uh… maybe… so anyway, have you told Keysha that you like her yet?’ 
Bob *sighing*: ‘No, I haven’t told her yet… but Catia told me the other day that she liked me…’ 
Penny: ‘When and where?’ 
Bob: ‘When we were at our swimming lesson at the pool, we were floating about and she said to me “Well, I like you…”’ 
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘And what did you do?!’ 
Bob *chewing on cereal*: ‘Well… I said “Really?!” and then I dove under the water and swam away’ 
Penny *giggling*: ‘They’ll be calling you the Casanova of the Chlorine Waves before you know it…’ 


1:35pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘So have you come to any conclusions since you’ve completed your research on the men in your life?’ 
Penny: ‘I have actually, and I feel like it’s a real step in the right direction too’ 
Charlie: ‘Fantastic! You’ve made a decision!
Penny: ‘Indeed, I have made a decision’ 
Charlie: ‘What is it!?’ 
Penny: ‘I’ve decided, I really like men’ 
Charlie: ‘Sometimes, you seriously displease me’ 


9:12pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Penny: ‘How was work today?’ 
Flossie *raises eyebrows*: ‘It’s Pension Day, it’s two weeks until Christmas, there were screaming toddlers, I’ve heard High 5’s Christmas Album nine times in the last four days and it’s Northland. Need I say more?’ 
Penny: ‘Ah, Christmas retail… such fond memories. What was the highlight?’ 
Flossie: ‘Oh definitely wrapping the basketball. The woman asked me if I could redo it because there were too many creases in the paper…’ 
Penny: ‘She did realise it was a spherical… did she not?’ 
Flossie: ‘I hope so, because if she complained any more about it, I was going to put that spherical object somewhere mighty uncomfortable’ 
Penny: ‘Downside of that… you would probably have to redo the wrapping on it again after you’d done that. Upside, she would be able to hit that high night in “O Holy Night”!’ 
Flossie *raises eyebrows*: ‘Oh yes, that would be a real Christmas Miracle’ 


Friday 13th December  


9:24am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘Panic Stations. Beardy has just invited me to his family Christmas’ 
Snicks: ‘And…’ 
Roxie: ‘Did you not just read what I wrote?’ 
Aubrey: ‘Yes… and?’ 
Roxie: ‘Beardy’s Family Christmas. With relatives. At their house. In the bush. On Christmas Day’ 
Penny: ‘Yes thank you for explaining that in plain English for us Rox, what seems to be the issue?’ 
Roxie: ‘He’s asking me to meet the family?!’ 
Penny: ‘Ah, and you are yet to ascertain the presence of palm trees to hide behind at the prospective venue… Indeed, quite the conundrum’ 
Roxie: ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for this, I mean… it’s his family?’ 
Aubrey: ‘And you’re his girlfriend…’ 
Snicks: ‘Whom he really really really quite likes a lot’ 
Penny: ‘And went to great lengths to charm. I mean, not every boy romances a girl in a ute tray, on a dancefloor, with cryptic messages, behind palm trees and so forth… You may have to accept that he likes you’ 
Roxie: ‘This is all too much, I think I need a drink. Surely it’s midday somewhere in the world!’ 


5:58pm – Preseason Training 

Myles: ‘How did my glamour shots turn out Penny?’ 
Penny: ‘Let’s just say it was a treat editing them’ 
Myles *grinning*: ‘See, I told you I had it covered with the tinsel!’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Well, I wouldn’t say you had it ALL covered Myles…’ 


7:46pm – Hallway, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Penny: ‘Ah Flossie…’ 
Flossie *mumbling*: ‘Mhyesss..’ 
Penny: ‘Do I want to know what you’re down there?’ 
Flossie: ‘Two words. Christmas Retail’ 
Penny: ‘Ah, enough said’ 


11:56pm – Hallway, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

I’ve just walked through the hallway to see Flossie and Mother Dearest (half asleep/half attired) - head down bum up in the hallway linen closet…

Penny: ‘Uh… what are you two doing?’ 
Mother Dearest *grunting*: ‘Hunting for Flossie’s sheets so she can make her bed!’ 
Penny: ‘Ah the old traditional Friday Night hunt for the elusive poo brown sheet’ 
Flossie *half a body length into the linen cupboard*: ‘Oooo! It's like one big adventure in here!’ 


Saturday 14th December


9:11am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Mother Dearest: ‘Oo, your hair looks lovely Penny!’ 
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘I haven’t washed it in four days Mum… not since you last mistook me for a Bee Gee…’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘ Oh…’ 
Bob *walking past*: ‘Hey at least you don’t look like Barry Gibb anymore’ 
Father Dearest: ‘More like a member of Black Sabbath now!’ 
Penny: ‘Marvellous.’ 


10:01am – Carpark, Norfies 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘You free for drinks this afternoon?’
Penny: ‘I suspect not, Floss and I are about to embark on Christmas Shopping at Norfies’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh God… have you started yet?’ 
Penny: ‘Currently in the carpark pitting our wits against angry Italian nonnas who are honking and waving their fists at everyone, including the Asian dude who is literally standing in a carpark to keep it free for his wife’ 
Charlie: ‘Has anyone tried to run him over yet’ 
Penny: ‘I’ve seen two close swipes, but I can’t be sure if they were intentional or just general inability to drive a motor car… You never can quite tell at Northland’ 
Charlie: ‘Can you imagine what it is like inside?’ 
Penny: ‘I’ve got a route planned out, I’ve packed my elbow guards, a compass, a mars bar and a whistle. If shit’s going down, I’m making it out alive’ 
Charlie: ‘I expected nothing less, and Flossie?’
Penny: ‘If anyone gets in Flossie’s way, she’ll just start singing… clears the area in three seconds flat!’ 


12:11am – Christmas Shopping, Norfies 

via Phone Call 
Fletch: ‘Hey Penny, how are you?’ 
Penny: ‘Fletch! I’m good, how are you?’ 
Fletch: ‘Yeh good, where are you? It sounds like a rock concert?’ 
Penny: ‘I’m Christmas shopping with Flossie… so far I’ve been elbowed in the ribs three times, had a near miss with my broken toe, my shins have been rammed by a shopping trolley and a pram and had a display of wrapping paper fall on top of me’ 
Fletch: ‘So… army survival training would have been easier?’ 
Penny: ‘Precisely’ 


2:13pm – Christmas Shopping, still wandering around Norfies

Flossie: ‘Ooo last week I saw a woman lying on the floor here and she was purple...’
Penny *keeps walking*: ‘Hmmm ‘

10 seconds pass
Flossie: ‘What a horrible place to die... *pause* Northland!’
Penny *keeps walking*: ‘Hmmmm’

15 seconds pass 
Flossie: ‘Well I suppose at least she was dying surrounded by people, you know in case she was a lonely person or something...’
Penny *stops walking*: ‘Flossie? Stop talking.’


4:02pm – Still Christmas Shopping, Still at Norfies

via Phone Call 
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh Penny, would you be able to pick up a quiche for dinner?’ 
Penny: ‘Uh… if I can carry it, I will bring one home’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘How is the shopping going? Are you girls having fun?’ 
Penny: ‘If by fun you mean, “Have you girls completely lost the will to live, been hit on by at least six shop keepers (Flossie), been yelled at by two old women (me) and need a remedial massage to recover from the physical brutality of carrying 23kg in presents, then yes, we’re having an ABSOLUTE ball Mum’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh that sounds lovely! So pleased you’re having fun! See you soon – don’t forget the quiche!’ 


6:49pm – Backyard, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Pinkerton Family Mad Christmas moment #34… 

After a day of dedicated Christmas Shopping, Flossie has just come storming out screeching, arms akimbo, wielding a roll of Santa covered wrapping paper & proceeded to attempt to belt the bejesus out of pigeons outside her window with wrapping paper whilst screaming at them...

I suspect this is what they’re talking about when they say ‘one has been consumed by the Christmas spirit…

Note to Self

Two Turtledoves are probably not the right present to give Flossie… 


Sunday 15th December 


8:34am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Kennedy: ‘Are you home tonight Penny?’ 
Penny: ‘I shall be home, why do you ask’ 
Kennedy: ‘Excellent, I just wanted to drop something in, what number is your house again?’ 
Penny: ‘Oh you won’t need a number, just look for the place that is lit up like the Vegas Strip’ 
Kennedy: ‘Ah, follow the evening star to find the stable!’ 
Penny: ‘More like follow the glistening glow of 10,000 fairy lights and an inflatable 7ft Santa but yes, let’s keep it religious and magical for now…’ 


3:10pm – At the table of plenty, Family Christmas Do #3

Flossie: ‘So, how many times have you been asked if you have a boyfriend?’ 
Penny: ‘Only seven so far, nowhere near last year’s record of nine, I’m kind of disappointed’ 
Flossie: ‘Well, perhaps we can add the two times I’ve been asked if you have a boyfriend, and the one time I’ve been asked if you are a lesbian’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘You know they’re getting desperate when they ask that, who was it?’ 
Flossie: ‘Aunt Judy. She must be about 89 by now surely! She asked if you had a girlfriend yet’ 
Penny: ‘Questionable as to whether she thinks I’m a lesbian or she’s just so blind she doesn’t actually realise I’m a girl…’ 


9:58pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘So Kennedy popped in before to drop off my Christmas present’ 
Charlie: ‘And… what did he give you?’ 
Penny: ‘Well I’m not sure, I haven’t opened it. But judging by the shape of the box, it’s probably not Tiffany’s’ 
Charlie: ‘Were you expecting Tiffany’s?’ 
Penny: ‘With Kennedy, I’m never sure what to expect. He’s hot and he’s cold, he’s yes and he’s no…’ 
Charlie: ‘I hereby dub him Katy Perry, but seriously, you should ask him what is going on’ 
Penny: ‘That may prove ever so slightly difficult’ 
Charlie: ‘You need to stop making excuses, meet up with him and just do it!’ 
Penny: ‘I’ll do it when he gets back’ 
Charlie: ‘Back from where?’ 
Penny: ‘Well he leaves tomorrow for six weeks in the US and Europe so maybe I’ll do it in January?’ 
Charlie: ‘The Never Ending Story has nothing on you’ 


Monday 16th December 


9:37am – Christmas Shopping in the Most Livable City in the World

via Text Message 
Flossie: ‘How goes Christmas Shopping Round 2? Any more near death experiences?’ 
Penny: ‘City shoppers have nothing on the lunatics at Norfies. The closest I’ve come to dying was when I was on the tram. I suspect the tram driver harboured secret ambitions to be Michael Schumacher. He took the corner of Collins and Spencer so quickly the tram was almost horizontal. I’m not sure all of the commuters were really ready to pretend they were in the Matrix as they flew slow motion across the vehicle…’ 
Flossie: ‘Perhaps he drank too much eggnog?’ 
Penny: ‘Not nearly as much as the man on the loudspeaker at Jolimont Station…”GOOOOOOODDDDD Moooooooorrrrning  everrrrryone! And WeeeeeEEEELLLLLCOME to JooooliiiiMONT!”… The train was already pulling in at Flinders St by the time he got to the end of that sentence…’ 


2:33pm – Lying in the Lands of Dorian 

Penny: ‘So, what do we need to do today to sort out this overseas sojourn?’ 
Charlie: ‘Well, I’ve brought a list of things we might need to book if we want to see, a rough itinerary and a few brochures about tours’ 
Penny: ‘I’ve brought a list of events that are on while we’re there and some options for moving between countries’ 
Dorian: ‘And I’ve bought a list of 69 fun facts about Germany, a bowl of crispy M & Ms and put Mulan in the DVD player ready to go’ 
Charlie: ‘You do realise Mulan is not German, don’t you…’ 
Dorian: ‘Of course, but she is Disney, and if we’re going to be prepared for the 150 castles in Germany, then Disney is the place to start’ 
Penny: ‘Conveniently forgetting there are no European castles in China…’ 


3:46pm – Watching Mulan in the Lands of Dorian

Dorian: ‘Fa Mulan!’ 
Charlie: ‘Present!’ 
Penny: ‘Speaking without permission!’ 
Dorian: ‘Did you know German is spoken by more than 100 million people worldwide?’ 
Charlie: ‘I didn’t know that…’ 
Penny: ‘What other amusing things have you discovered about Germany Dorian?’ 
Dorian: ‘Well, I know there are over 150 castles there, the Christmas tree tradition came from Germany, there are over 60 beer gardens in Munich, Germany has over 400 zoos, the most in the world and most importantly, there are over 1,000 kinds of sausages in Germany’ 
Penny *grinning*: ‘Sounds like we’re going to find a sausage we all like when we’re there!’ 


8:11pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Just another regular evening in Pinkertonland, when a hairy black spider crawls across the wall in the family room...

Flossie *waving arms manically*: ‘OH MY GOD! There’s a SPIDER!’ 
Bob *running in circles*: ‘EVACUATE EVACUATE!’ 
Father Bear *leaps to attention and releases an emergency response fart to evacuate the area and gas potential killer spider (& anyone else within a 4m radius)*: ‘Step aside please, I’ve got this!’
Penny: ‘Oh my Lord I can’t breathe – Dad you stink!’ 
Father Bear *shrugs*: ‘It’s an emergency response!’ 
Flossie *assumes position on the couch and starts yelling and pointing*: ‘Oh god, Oh boy, Oh my god! Look at him GO!’
Mother Dearest in the kitchen: ‘God Flossie, the way you’re carrying on, you sound like you’re having an orgasm!’
Penny *head in hands*: ‘Sweet Mother of God.’


10:33pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘I forgot to ask you this afternoon, did you get Fletch anything for Christmas?’  
Penny: ‘I sent him a card with a photo of a roll of duct tape in it…’ 
Charlie: ‘Yes, all of the greatest love affairs were started over a roll of adhesive tape’ 
Penny: ‘Fletch is just a good mate Charls, he lives in Sydney, I live in Melbourne, I hate Sydney, he likes to visit Melbourne, we both have a healthy mutual respect for duct tape and we’re both highly committed to our jobs and our university degrees’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh yes, because love pays so much attention to all of those factors’ 
Penny: ‘Love might not, but practicality does, and neither of us are going anywhere so it’s a friendship, firmly stuck together with duct tape’ 


Tuesday 17th December 


8:06am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just found this in sieve… It would seem Mum’s artistry with the fruit and veg is hitting new levels… ’

Flossie: ‘She’s peaking for Christmas’ 
Penny: ‘Good grief’ 


9:22am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Roxie: ‘Hey Penny, I have to come in today to pick up some of the calendars, will you be there?’ 
Penny: ‘I’m here, already sticking to my chair’ 
Roxie: ‘It’s going to be 39 degrees today, surely you can turn the air-conditioning on?’ 
Penny: ‘By air-conditioning I assume you mean the two desk fans and the Japanese hand held fans I have sitting before me?’ 
Roxie: ‘You don’t have an air conditioner?!’ 
Penny: ‘No, but I have an excellent imagination, a brick wall I can lean up against and a real interest in finding which part of my body will produce the most sweat today!’ 


11:57am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Crotch Sweat 

via Text Message 
Myles: ‘I’ve got a new toy I want you to come over and try out tonight’ 
Penny: ‘I think I’m about 14 vodka s away from agreeing to that’ 
Myles: ‘I think you’ll like it, especially today, it’s guaranteed to get you wet and it’s great exercise too!’ 
Penny: ‘Myles, I hate to ruin the romance of the moment, and believe me, the writers of Mills and Boon are undoubtedly taking note of this little tete a tete, but I don’t think I need to be any wetter. I’m currently sitting in a pool of my own sweat, my clothes have gone from flowing and breezy to bodycon and dehydration is the only likely thing I will achieve at work today.’ 
Myles: ‘Don’t you even want to see a photo of it? It’s really big!’ 
Penny: ‘Sweetheart, that’s what they all say and after last week’s photoshoot, I’ve already got enough photos of it’ 
Myles: ‘And you reckon I’m the one with my mind in the gutter, I just wanted to show you my new waterslide!

8:19pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Bob: ‘So I finally told Keysha that I liked her today’ 
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘And what did she say?!’ 
Bob *shrugs shoulders*: ‘She smiled and nodded and walked away’ 
Penny: ‘Well, that’s not bad… did anything happen afterwards?’ 
Bob: ‘Nah, I mean I just found two pieces of paper with girls numbers on them in my locker’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘I see…’ 
Bob: ‘And this other girl in Grade 5, she keeps running up to me and hugging me every lunch time, I mean seriously, I’m a Grade 6 and she’s a Grade 5 – it’s never going to work!’ 
Penny *smiling*: ‘If she’s hot in ten years time I suspect you’ll make it work kiddo’ 
Bob *raises eyebrows*: ‘And then I found Catia running off to the bathroom crying after I’d spoken to Keysha’ 
Penny: ‘Ah, young Chlorine Casanova… like grains through the hourglass, these are the days of our lunchtimes…’ 


Wednesday 18th December  


9:34am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Dad has overtaken Mum in the fruit stakes’ 
Penny: ‘How so?’ 
Flossie: ‘I asked him to cut my Honeydew for me, and this is what he came up with – literally, melons’

Penny: ‘And this is what happens when you ask a man to use his imagination… boobs with fruit’ 



4:21pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘Are you free tomorrow night?’ 
Penny: ‘I believe I am, have you got another cricket game you need an experienced WAG for?’ 
Mitch: ‘Something like that, do you think you could wear that red dress and be ready by 7?’ 
Penny: ‘I could… where are we going?’ 
Mitch: ‘Surprise’ 
Penny: ‘As long as I don’t have to close my eyes, open my mouth and hold out my hands…’ 
Mitch: ‘Uh… well… I could do that too?’
Penny: ‘I’ll see you at 7 Mitchell!’ 


7:36pm – Carolling at the Educational Institution of Little Bob

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘I’m currently at Bob’s school Christmas Carols. Did you know there was an octopus in the Nativity?’ 
Charlie: ‘Perhaps Jesus liked seafood?’
Penny: ‘Clearly. This certainly explains the whole two fish and five loaves to feed five thousand debacle’ 


7:49pm – Carolling at the Educational Institution of Little Bob 

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘The spectacle continues. Did you know the Three Wise Men had Moves Like Jagger?’ 
Charlie: ‘And the shepherds watched their flocks at night whilst dancing to Gangnam Style…’ 
Penny: ‘How did you know?’ 


9:49pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Phone Call 
Fletch: ‘Evening Miss Moneypenny 
Penny: ‘Evening Fletch, how are things?’ 
Fletch: ‘Things are good, have you recovered from your Christmas shopping?’  
Penny: ‘Only just, and then of course there’s the regular Christmas shenanigans –eating, decorating, avoiding anything that lights up or flashes in our house (which is everything), being attacked by random pieces of tinsel, attending Bob’s school Carols etc’ 
Fletch: ‘How were the carols?’ 
Penny: ‘Well, the Three Wise Men had Moves Like Jagger and the Shepherds loved dancing Gangnam Style and the Nativity featured a collection of seafood… so I suspect the Music Teacher thinks he is a judge on a reality TV show… it was like The Voice, Masterchef and So You Think You Can Dance with tinsel and school children’
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘Truly captured the spirit of Christmas then?’ 
Penny: ‘Providing the Spirit of Christmas is over commercialized talent shows then yes, absolutely. How’s your Christmas shaping up?’
Fletch: ‘It seems to have come early…’ 
Penny: ‘Damn it. Did that pallet of duct tape I sent already arrive?!’ 
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘No no, not as yet, but I did get a letter in the mail today’ 
Penny: ‘Are you telling me Santa replies to your letters? Because I’ll be outraged if he writes to you and not me!’ 
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘Well, it was almost like a letter from Santa, I’ve been offered a scholarship to do my Masters at uni next year’ 
Penny *gasping*: ‘FLETCH! That is SO exciting! Congratulations!’ 
Fletch: ‘Yeh, I’m pretty excited!’  
Penny: ‘Ahhh just when you thought you’d be escaping that place, you’re back there for another two years!’ 
Fletch: ‘Well, not exactly’ 
Penny *pauses*: ‘What do you mean? Are you doing it by correspondence? Or is it longer than two years?’ 
Fletch: ‘Oh no, I’m going to uni and it is a two year course, but the offer didn’t come from the University of Sydney’  
Penny *pauses*: ‘So…’ 
Fletch: ‘It came from the University of Melbourne, I’m moving down in six weeks’ 
Penny *inhales*: ‘Oh God…’