When Harry Met Penny

Chapter 11 


Thursday 3rd October 

5:32am - Enjoying Peak Hour Airport Traffic in The Most Livable City in the World 


Zooming along on the way to the airport 

Mother Dearest *hands fly up to face*: ‘OMG! I think I’ve forgotten the masks?!’
Penny *half awake*: ‘What masks?’
Mother Dearest: ‘The ones with your face printed on them so I could walk around with you on my face so Harry could fall in love with you when he sees me’ 
Penny: ‘You weren’t joking about them?!’ 

5:43am – Still Enjoying Peak Hour Airport Traffic in The Most Livable City in the World 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘In the taxi with Mum. I’ve just realised she is wearing this hat. Shit.'

Flossie: ‘I wonder if she packed her matching tracksuit as well?’ 
Penny: ‘Forget God Save the Queen. God Save Me!’ 


8:14am – Enjoying Peak Hour Traffic in Sin City 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Morning, are you free today or tomorrow’
Fletch: ‘Sure, did you want to Skype about the group project?’
Penny: ‘Well I’m actually in Sydney. I thought we could test run some of the innovative things to do with duct tape’
Fletch: ‘Well, sure, um… I haven’t had a shave?’ 
Penny: ‘I’m not sure how that is relevant… unless we are waxing your face with duct tape?’ 
Fletch: ‘Uh, no no, never mind, forget I said that. I’ll fix that. I could do dinner tomorrow night?
Penny: ‘Sounds good, you pick the location and time, I’ll bring the duct tape. Just give me a buzz with the details’ 
Fletch: ‘Um, I don’t have your number…’
Penny: ‘You mean my Mother hasn’t posted it in all of the Sydney papers yet? Astonishing, sounds like she’s losing her touch!’ 


10:10am – Commencing Prince Harry Hunt, Sin City

Penny: ‘Well Mum, we’re here. Harry’s here. What next?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Well, I know he’s having a reception with the Prime Minister sometime today, so perhaps we’ll go and see if we can do a tour at the Prime Minstery buildings’
Penny: ‘That sounds foolproof. Excellent plan’ 


2:55pm – Pausing Prince Harry Hunt, Hyde Park 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘So, am I royal by marriage yet?’ 
Penny: ‘Not quite.’ 
Flossie: ‘So no Harry sightings yet?’ 
Penny: ‘No but we have managed to do some souvenir shopping and such’ 
Flossie: ‘She’s really buying Sydney souvenirs!?’ 
Penny: ‘Oh no, Harry souvenirs. You may not be royal by marriage yet, but I’m doing such a convincing job of being a Danish tourist and not speaking English whilst she buys them that I’m fairly sure we’ll be related to Princess Mary by the time I get home’ 


3:56pm – Continuing the Prince Harry Hunt, Queen Victoria Building 

Mother Dearest: ‘This is a royal building, perhaps he will be somewhere here?’ 
Penny: ‘I’m not sure it’s royal Mum, I think it’s just named after a royal… But while we’re here, why don’t we do some shopping?’ 
Mother Dearest *surveys my outfit*: ‘Hmm, a good idea, you could do with a bit of a spruce up, especially if you’re marrying a royal’ 

Suspect Mother Dearest may have skipped reading the chapter on being concerned about your child’s self esteem in the parenting manual…


5:33pm – Lying in the Castle a la Hotel Room 

Mother Dearest *arms fly up in the air*: ‘Penny! Penny! I’ve got it! I’ve figured out how we’re going to get Harry’s attention!’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘Glad now that we’ve been here a day you’ve thought about that Mum…’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘He’s doing a Naval Inspection isn’t he? Surely we’ve got ships with cannons on them, we can dress you up like Cher in some fishnets and you can straddle the cannon!’ 
Penny: ‘Some days I wonder why you insisted I have a good Catholic upbringing’
Mother Dearest: ‘You’d look alright in a pair of fishnets… that would definitely get his attention!’ 


5:56pm – Still lying in the Castle a la Hotel Room 

Mother Dearest *studious peering at iPad*: ‘Now, I’ve done some research Penny, and there doesn’t seem to be any active ships with cannons on them anymore…’ 
Penny: ‘Oh that is a shame…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Surely there’s a big cannon lying around somewhere I can just get you to sit on so we get his attention?’ 
Penny: ‘We’re in Sin City Mother, I’m sure there are many big cannons I can sit on…’


Friday 4th October

8:09am – Bathroom, a la Hotel Room 

More great matchmaking plans from the genius that is Mother Dearest...

Penny: *flossing her teeth*
Mother Dearest: ‘Now I’ve thought about it, and if we don’t see him while we’re here, all I need to do Penny, is get you over to Afghanistan and Prince Harry will be all yours!” *claps hands*
Penny: *pauses* ‘Yes Mother Dearest, because that’s what every responsible mother wants to do – send her daughter to the middle of a freaking warzone!’


2:10pm – The Prince Harry Hunt continues, Darling Harbour 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘How’s Mother Dearest coping, surely she’s nearly beside herself with excitement and tension?’ 
Penny: ‘She seems to be releasing a lot of the tension today by screaming’ 
Flossie: ‘What do you mean by screaming? In public?’ 
Penny: ‘Hmm yes, every time a 6 foot red headed male walks past us, she screams and runs after them’ 
Flossie: ‘And this has happened more than once?’ 
Penny: ‘This has happened multiple times. I’ve lost count of how many strangers she’s hugged. I am travelling with a woman who has Royalist Tourettes. Good Lord’ 
Flossie: ‘How are you explaining this to these poor people?’
Penny: ‘In Danish. As I am a Danish tourist’ 
Flossie: ‘Penny. You don’t speak Danish’
Penny: ‘Yes, but they don’t know that….’ 


7:34pm – Peking Dinner in the City of Sin 

Fletch: ‘So why exactly are you in Sydney? Another uni thing?’
Penny: ‘My mother flew us up here to stalk Prince Harry’ 
Fletch *chokes*
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘No, sadly I’m not kidding’ 
Fletch *eyes widened*: ‘And do you, have an interest in Harry?’
Penny: ‘Well he seems like a pretty good sort, and the kind of guy who would appreciate what I can do with a roll of duct tape’ *grinning* 
Fletch *chokes*
Penny: ‘You right there Fletch? Having a bit of trouble swallowing? Don’t worry, happens to the best of us…’ 


Saturday 5th October 


8:01am – Lying in the Castle of the Hotel Room

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Uh Penny… I just saw on the news that Prince Harry has just arrived today…’ 
Penny: ‘Hmm, yes I just saw that too’ 
Flossie: ‘Does this mean the whole time you’ve been there hunting for him, he hasn’t actually been there?’ 
Penny: ‘Indeed it does’
Flossie: ‘What a waste of time!’  
Penny: ‘Au contraire my good sister. I have now acquired some new shoes and a dress at mum’s expense, I’ve doing some sightseeing, caught up with a uni mate and perfected my Danish accent to such a level that I’m fairly sure my middle name is actually Lego’ 
Flossie: ‘That still doesn’t answer the big question tho… who is going to tell Mum?’ 
Penny: ‘No one Flossie. No one.’ 


11:45am – Sir Charles Kingsford- Could I get a longer name- Smith Airport, Sydney 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘So how did the Harry stalking go, any sightings?’ 
Penny: ‘Thankfully not, but we did get a spot of sightseeing in and some shopping, so as completely ridiculous interstate stalking expeditions go, it wasn’t too bad. Oh, & I managed to have dinner with Fletch and do some brainstorming for our group assignment’ 
Charlie: ‘Fletch! You saw him! And brainstorming for a group assignment on duct tape… So that’s what the young kids are calling it these days…’ 
Penny: ‘Calm down Cupid. The poor boy nearly swallowed his tongue when I mentioned duct tape can be used, at a pinch, as a nipple bandaid if you’re not wearing a bra’ 
Charlie: ‘*chuckles* Beauty and the Geek has nothing on you two! So… did any other swallowing occur?’ 
Penny: ‘Just copious amounts of tap water and amusing conversation, oh and he has my number now, so I am sure I can expect a litany of 3am booty calls…’ 
Charlie: ‘More like 3am “I need a 7 letter word using HHMTRYI and attaching to a C” for a late night Scrabble war he’s having…’ 
Penny: ‘Rhythmic… That’d be a score that would win you the game!’ 
Charlie: ‘You astonish me.’ 


4:14pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message 
Fletch: ‘Hey Penny, I just wanted to message and check you got home safely? No Prince Harry hiccups at the airport?’ 
Penny: ‘Apart from one ear piercing squeal which I managed to pass off as a sneeze from Mother Dearest when another red headed boy walked past, I managed to escape Sin City unscathed’ 
Fletch: ‘Good to hear. It was really nice to see you last night, I enjoyed dinner and just having a chat’ 
Penny: ‘It was good, I’m fairly sure I will be laughing about the look on that waiters face for at least the next three weeks’ 
Fletch: ‘You are rather unique Penny… I don’t know anyone else who has ordered Lemon Chicken, prawn crackers and a roll of duct tape. And then proceeded to tape a hole in the wall’ 
Penny: ‘It was drafty! Besides, all in the name of research Fletch. Now there’s only 31 other options we need to think of! *winks*’ 


5:59pm – Still lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Facebook Messenger 
Roxie: ‘I just got this from Beardy…

“Meet me tonight. 10pm. Williamstown Beach. I want to show you those stars” 

Penny: ‘I think I just melted into a puddle on the floor’
Snicks: ‘Well Rox, are you going to live a life of regret about the chances you didn’t take or…’ 
Roxie: ‘I’m going to see the stars girls. And get me a beard!’ 
Penny: ‘Oh Roxie, I think you’ll look lovely with a beard… *giggles* Go get him girl!’ 


Sunday 6th October


10:11am - At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

JB Schitz: ‘I didn’t just see that, I didn’t just see that, I didn’t just see that’ 
Penny *eyes wide open*: ‘You didn’t just see what?’ 
JB Schitz *points* 
Penny: ‘OH! I can’t unsee that!’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Black speedos I can cope with, and I’ve even stopped dry-retching at hairy backs but perished see-through bathers?’ 
Penny: ‘Oh Lord… I don’t want to see what people had for breakfast! But that reminds me, I think mine are getting a bit beyond the valley of transparent… I really do need to buy a new pair this week!’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Why? If you leave them like that, you’ll definitely get Mr Vanilla’s attention!’ 


5:34pm – Sitting at my Desk, Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘You know my new neighbours across the road?’
Chloe-Lee: ‘The young brothers who we suspect might be plumbers?’
Penny: ‘Yes, who we also suspect might be laboring under the misconception that this is Noosa and not Reservoir…’
Chloe –Lee: ‘Ah yes, the ones who planted three palm trees for no reason in their front yard!’ 
Penny: ‘Well you can make that four… I’m sitting here trying to do homework for uni and they’ve just rolled up with another one in the back of the ute’ 
Chloe-Lee: ‘I wouldn’t worry too much. Unless they roll up with a camel as a pet one day. Then I would worry’ 


6:22pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Watching Jessica Mauboy sing at the pre-game entertainment for the NRL Grand Final  

Father Bear: ‘Bob’s Primary School choir sounds better than that...’
Bob: ‘Yeh... and they're pretty bad!’


9:12am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘So did Beardy take the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes’ 
Roxie: 

Penny: ‘Oh Lord. You’ve turned into a walking Instagram’ 
Roxie: ‘#truelove #myboy #ilovebeards #beardy #boyfriend #instalove #instaromance #instabeard' 
Penny: 'Pass the #instabucket...' 


Monday 7th October 

7:44am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Bob: ‘Mum is taking me to get a haircut… I think I’m getting it all cut off. Again’ 
Penny: ‘Again? But I like your long luscious locks, perhaps you can keep a longer fringe?’ 
Bob: ‘Nah, every time I tell the hairdresser to do that, she cuts it short! Anyway, I think the girls will think short hair makes me sexier’ 
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Bob, listen to me. At your age, it’s not about being sexy. It’s about how much you can look like One Direction. Keep the fringe’ 

1:11pm – In the land of kebab stores and retirees

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘The accidental flasher will not ride again!’ 
JB Schitz: ‘I presume that means you’ve had success bathers shopping?’ 
Penny: ‘Success? I’ve managed to get new bathers, new boardies and new trackies (all matching may I add) for a total of $30!’ 
JB Schitz: ‘The travelling gherkin rides again?’ 
Penny: ‘Not at all… More like the Travelling Tangelo!’ 
JB Schitz: ‘I don’t know whether to be thrilled or worried that even dressed as a giant piece of fruit you still won’t be the most embarrassing thing at the pools… ‘


7:17pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Jasmine: ‘They are interviewing a man on The Project who follows Prince Harry around the world. Maybe your Mum could go into business with/hire him to help you two get together’ 
Penny: ‘Don’t tell her until I am far far away from the vicinity. It may take weeks to recover from the last week of Harry hysterics!’ 


Tuesday 8th October 

6:54am – Le cubicle de toilette in the decontamination area

JB Schitz: ‘Are you alright in there Penny? You sound like you’re having a fit?’
Penny *squirming*: ‘I just got changed. It’s these bloody new bathers’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Oh, the bargain bathers. Did they come with an inbuilt itch factor?’ 
Penny *groaning*: ‘No, they came with the inbuilt “Elle Macpherson” cut’
JB Schitz: ‘What exactly does that mean?’ 
Penny: ‘I’ll send you a photo, just give me a minute to figure out if I can work this look with boardshorts’
JB Schitz: ‘Surely it can’t be that bad…’
Penny: ‘Just wait until the photo comes through’ 

6:56am – In the decontamination area 

via Text Message
Penny:  'Unfortunately the bathers didn’t come with The Body included… '

6:56am – Le cubicle de toilette in the decontamination area

JB Schitz: ‘Holy Shit. You will do anything to get Mr Vanilla to notice you won’t you?’
Penny: ‘Oh shut up. I forgot that with bathers there are several cuts; the boy leg, the old lady ruffle skirt, the modesty cut and the small Asian female cut…’
JB Schitz: ‘And you’re not a small Asian female?’ 
Penny: ‘Unfortunately not according to these bathers!’ 


7:23am - At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

Penny *groaning*
JB Schitz: ‘Are you alright Penny? You look constipated…’ 
Penny *grimacing*: ‘It’s the bathers, I think the small Asian female cut has restricted blood flow to my lady parts’ 
JB Schitz: ‘Don’t faint on me now, how will I ever explain that is why you’ve passed out to Mr Vanilla when he dives in to rescue you?!’
Penny: ‘I’d be more concerned about what kind of resuscitation he might have to undertake!’ 


1:12pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger 
Charlie: ‘I’m currently watching Mulan. I believe we need to go on an exotic holiday’ 
Penny: ‘Are you suggesting we pretend to be boys and stake out some Huns whilst singing like the Disney Princesses we actually are?’ 
Dorian: ‘Fa Mulan!’ 
Charlie: ‘PRESENT!’ 
Penny: ‘Both of you are speaking without permission!’ 
Charlie: ‘Let’s go somewhere this summer, somewhere full of adventure and history and good looking men’ 
Penny: ‘Well if we’re taking Dorian we’ve already got a good looking man, but sure, a few more can’t hurt!’ 
Dorian: ‘I’m happy to go on any holiday where it looks like I’ve got two incredibly good looking wives. Preferably somewhere where this is legal…’ 
Penny: ‘Well that narrows it down to the Middle East (currently war-torn) and Utah (currently not that cultural)…’ 
Charlie: ‘Why don’t we just do Europe instead, they’re terribly… European when it comes to marriage?’
Penny: ‘Uh, I think you’ll find they’re terribly Christian when it comes to marriage…’ 
Dorian: ‘And in the height of winter, terribly freezing’ 
Penny: ‘Well you’re allergic to the sunlight anyway Dorian, so this sounds perfect!’ 
Charlie: ‘Europe it is! Plus, last time I checked, Prince Harry lived there *winks*’ 
Penny: ‘No one tell my mother. I still haven’t recovered from last week’  


8:22pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

It was only a matter of time…

Mother Dearest: ‘Penny, do you know about this 50 Shades of Grey book?’
Penny: 'You’d have to be living under a rock not to'
Mother Dearest: 'Well, I didn’t until I saw that article in the paper'
Penny: 'I’m surprised you didn’t pick it up ‘accidentally’ last time you were at the library…'
Mother Dearest: 'Well frankly I am too! Have you read it? I just don’t understand why people would want to write about these things!!!'
Penny: 'It’s as poorly written as Twilight, of course I haven’t read it, I could write something much better anyway' 
Mother Dearest: 'I just don’t understand all of this business, wait, what… write something better? Penny? Penny!'

Thank goodness for your children hey Mother Dearest? How on earth would you navigate all of the porn in the world without them?


9:56pm – Father Bear Taxi, Sydney Rd

Father Bear: ‘I’m glad I came to watch you play netball tonight Penny, thanks for letting me come’
Penny: ‘No worries Dad, it wasn’t very exciting’
Father Bear: ‘It was, and I was sitting there thinking, gee I’m proud of my girl’ 
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘Dad. I just flailed unathletically around a netball court for 45 minutes in a full body suit of lycra, sweating so much that when my opponent bumped into me, she slid off. I wouldn’t say this is one of my finer moments’
Father Bear: ‘That’s parenthood for you Penny, you’re proud of your kids, even if they do resemble a kitchen sponge on legs…’  


Wednesday 9th October

9:42am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘How is the Penny Zen project going?’ 
Penny: ‘Flying along. Today I decided to open a window to let fresh air in and to be one with nature’ 
Charlie: ‘Oh nice, and how are you feeling?’ 
Penny: ‘Oh I’m feeling at one with nature alright. A bloody wattle bird flew in the window and I’ve spent the last 35 minutes chasing it around the building trying to get it back out again!’ 
Charlie: ‘And the circus continues…’ 


4:11pm – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘I’ve been meaning to ask, does Beardy actually have a name?’ 
Roxie: ‘I finally asked. It's Benjamin’ 
Penny: ‘Ah a good Bible name. Well I suppose that explains the beard…’ 


5:34pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Mother Dearest: ‘Penny! What have you got all over your back!’ *rubs back down*
Penny: ‘I dunno, what is it?’ 
Mother Dearest: ‘You’ve got grass and dirt on the back of your jumper… Have you been rolling in the grass with someone?!’ *looks hopeful*
Penny: ‘Hmm no, but I was just lying on the lounge room floor stretching…’ 
Mother Dearest *crestfallen*: ‘Oh… perhaps I should vacuum…’ 


7:44pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message 
Unknown Number: ‘Hi… Is this Penny?’
Penny: ‘Last time I checked this was Penny… Who is this?’ 
Unknown Number: ‘My name is Kennedy, your mum gave me your number last week down in Blairgowrie? I’m back in Melbourne next week, just wondering if you’d like to catch up?’ 
Penny: ‘Pardon my questions, what did she look like?’
Unknown Number: ‘About 5’7, short red hair, wearing a matching purple tracksuit and a Commonwealth Games cap… she seemed to be puffing, like she’d been running. Oh and she gave me a link to your personal ad. Do I have the right daughter?’
Penny: ‘After that description I wish I could say no. But unfortunately, yes. Yes you do…’ 
Unknown Number: ‘Ah, she was nice! So, when can I take you out to dinner?’ 

Good grief.